Sugar & Spice: My Fabulous First Sugar Date and What It Taught Me

An intimate, authentic view of one woman's journey into sugar dating that challenges societal norms. It examines the dynamics of empowerment, and reframes female sexuality.

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Debunking Myths and Embracing Agency in Sugar Dating

To set the record straight, when I told my best friend I might become a sugar babe, she almost choked on her oat milk latte. Isn't that basically prostitution? she whispered, looking all around the coffee shop like the morality police were going to come bursting in through the door. I get it—I had those same misconceptions once.

People have a general idea of what sugar dating is. You may think that it’s either desperate young women being taken advantage of by predatory older men, or calculated “gold digpers” who take advantage of lonely sugar daddies. Both of these narratives ignore what my experience actually turned out to be: an empowering relationship founded on open and honest communication and mutual respect.

When I swiped right on a ‘Richard’ (not his real name but wouldn’t it be deliciously on-the-nose if it was? I mean, a rich Richard!), I really didn’t know what to expect. What I found was not exploitation, but rather a breath of fresh air from all that exhausting back and forth of an ambiguous dating game. My first sugar date wasn’t fabulous because I walked away with gifts (the Louboutins were a nice touch and I’m only human) but because, for once, I felt in total control of defining a relationship as I wanted.

Reclaiming Female Sexuality and Economic Empowerment.

Sugar dating is a choice, not exploitation. Defy the stigma.

When I brought up sugar dating at a recent dinner party, it was as if I’d suggested we all strip naked and dance around a bonfire. My friend’s boyfriend actually asked me if I had ‘daddy issues’. I almost countered with ‘do you have “mansplaining issues”?’ but I decided against it.

This shows how women are robbed of their agency from the moment they step out of relationship norms. We are expected to be sexually free but not so much, to earn but not to spend. When a woman clearly states her desire for a partner who offers both company and cash, she’s suddenly ‘being exploited’ or ‘calculating’.

How about we accept that between consenting adults, an arrangement can be made where the expectations and benefits for both parties are outlined? Revolutionary, I know.

Being Financially Independent Refutes Power Dynamics in Society

There are many kinds of power—asymmetrically-gendered power, power stemming from independence, and, of course, power derived from money. In contrast to my mother’s advice, I see nothing wrong with financial dependency, at least when it is consensual. After graduation, I was left with $60,000 in student debt and only unpaid internships and exposure offered by the job market. It is not a last resort but a strategic choice that was sugar dating.

Through my sugar relationship, I have paid off a large portion of my loans and built an emergency fund that would make my adviser blush. My college roommate went the respectable route and still works two jobs and lives paycheck to paycheck. Tell me again which one of us is making poor choices?

We don't often address the money dynamics in relationships—who pays for dinners, who moves into whose apartment, and who forgoes their job for the other. Sugar dating brings these transactions to the fore instead of resorting to passive-aggressive point-scoring.

My First Sugar Date was Truly a Political Affair.

Mutual Respect, Conversation, Connection – Beyond the Transaction.

My first sugar date was a Michelin-star restaurant that had no prices on the menu. Classic. I put on a black dress that was lying around with tags still on it for a “special occasion”. While I checked myself in the restaurant’s bathroom and told myself things to say about my hobbies and my job, I idly wondered if this was going to be the most expensive job interview ever.

What I didn't expect was to laugh so much. Paul, my first sugar daddy, held wit I never expected to hear, making references from Schitt’s Creek to Proust. When we started to argue about whether season 2 of Fleabag is better than season 1 (it is, don’t @ me), I had forgotten about the transaction part of it.

We discussed his travels in Southeast Asia, my creative writing aspirations, and the documentary he produced the year before. I was genuinely engaged with his views, altered by experiences I wasn’t privileged to access yet. He appeared equally fascinated by my generation's views on everything from climate change to polyamory.

After I talked about my ceramics hobby—my previous Hinge date just glazed over (pottery pun intended) it—he started asking me questions to delve deeper. That’s how I knew that respect and connection with a person don’t need to be exclusive of the money.

Addressing Criticisms and Counter Arguments.

People Think Women Are Gold-Diggers For Marrying Rich But It’s Not True

Women who don’t hide their desire for stability and comfort but openly acknowledge it are “gold diggers” in society. We see wanting emotional fulfillment in a relationship as pure, but wanting financial security as dirty. Quite interesting, no?

Let’s be honest: marriage has always been economic in nature. My grandmother made it quite clear to me that she married my grandfather because of the fact that he was “a good catch,” which was her 1950s’ code for financial security. Everyone called Nana practical for marrying for financial reasons. When modern women do the same, they get labeled.

I once shared with a male coworker that my sugar daddy funded my graphic designing course. According to him, my reply was an indication to him that I was merely using him for my graphic designing courses and nothing else. Funny – it seems like a double standard. When his wife quit her job so he could get a promotion and move cities after that, it was a case of ‘making sacrifices for the family’ sorry it doesn’t work that way.

What’s particularly sad about the gold digger accusation is that it assumes women have literally nothing valuable to offer beyond sex itself. This is really an anti-feminist framework, almost always said by people who are also shouting “we respect women”. My sugar relationships include companionship, witty banter, intellectual conversations, emotional support and (of course) sex. All of these valuable things have previously been sex worker material.

Conclusion:

Accepting choice and defining relationships on our own terms.

I have faced challenges and doubts during my journey in sugar dating. I've had some weird talks, things don't always match up, and the odd judgey stare from someone I care about. Though, these challenges have forced me to refine my own values and boundaries in ways I’ve never done with dating.

The financial backing I have received has been life-changing- it has funded my graphic design certification, allowed me to take up an unpaid internship that ultimately got me my job as well as helped me save money so that I have true independence and options. But the most useful thing I have learnt is to ask for what I want unapologetically.

Final Thoughts

A month back, I was having coffee with my former judgmental best friend, who nearly choked on her latte when I first mentioned sugar dating. “Do you know what’s weird?” she said, stirring her drink. "Huh, you actually seem to have healthier relationships than most of us – let me explain. She said after spending three years with no labels and it all being this insecure relationship, while I am setting expectations and parameters from day one."

Sugar dating isn't for everyone, and it shouldn't be. The best part of this age is that we have choices. You can opt for a traditional relationship, casual dating, polyamory, succor arrangement or none. It's not so much about the choices we make as much as the ill-defined framework society allows for them.

fabulous. Not just because of the five-star restaurant or the Louboutins that followed, but because it was my first step into defining relationships my way. It is a small rebellion Against a world that refuses to accept that women have agency (including when it comes to sex or money).

Sweet like sugar!

Keywords

sugar dating, female empowerment, financial independence, relationship dynamics, dating stigma, modern relationships, sex positivity, dating expectations, female sexuality

Emma Bennett: A writer based in Cali whose work explores gender, economics, and one's body. A background in feminist theory, along with personal experience navigating modern relationships. Binge watches British comedies with her fat cat “Trump”.