Explore how financially empowered women are redefining romantic relationships as "sugar mommies," challenging gender norms through real stories of women embracing their economic power in love.
QUICK INDEX
- Flipping the Financial Script
- Breaking the Breadwinner Myth
- The Joy of Mutual Benefit
- Facing the Backlash
- Towards New Relationship Models
1. Flipping the Financial Script.
Today is the Day
Let me tell you about my friend Diane. At the age of forty-seven, she is a tech executive with a corner office, a beach house in Malibu and a thirty-two-year-old boyfriend trying to launch a screenwriting career. When we have coffee together, she jokes that she’s being his “sugar mommy,” but truthfully, Diane is part of a larger trend of women who are financially independent and embracing it.
There was a time and we were told that it was the man’s duty to pay. Well, times have changed, honey. As I have dated since my divorce, I now find myself in the strange new territory of being the one with the bigger paycheck, the nicer apartment and, dare I say it, the financial upper hand. This is not something my mom prepared me for but it is super thrilling.
The “sugar mommy” trend isn’t just about older women dating younger men (though it most certainly is). The phenomenon in question involves women like me, like Diane and maybe like you, who have achieved economic independence and are now exploring what it means for our romantic lives. We are turning the tables on a script that has shaped heterosexual relationships for centuries, and in doing this, we are demanding a new idea of power, gender and what we want from partnership.
2, Breaking the Breadwinner Myth.
Paychecks and Power Dynamics.
Last year, I out earned my partner by a factor of three. When I said this to my grandmother, she looked perplexed, as though I’d said I was going to start living underwater. "But doesn’t that make him feel... less manly,” she said, alarmed.
Women like me are fighting the idea that men must be a financial provider to be masculine. My worth isn't dependent on my youth and fertility; and my partner's worth doesn't lie in the size of his paycheck. When I pay for an extravagant dinner or fund our holiday, I am doing more than spending money – I am making a small feminist statement.
Women’s growing economic power isn’t just a theory; it’s changing bedrooms and bank accounts all over the country. After spending decades asking for equal pay for equal work (we don’t have this yet so let’s not kid ourselves), many of us have made a lot of money. We are entering relationships with a choice, not economic need, thanks to our fancy degrees and the struggles we have faced in our careers.
From Dependence to Design.
I enjoy taking care of him," my co-worker Jessica told me over drinks, referring to her boyfriend ten years younger. "I'm not responsible for refunding his cab or paying for his partial grocery bills," Jessica declared, drawing the clear line.
This clarity represents another shift. Jessica and women like her aren’t steadily falling into provider roles; they are purposely creating a relationship that works for them. After 20 years rising through the ranks at a global consulting firm, Jessica doesn’t need a financial partner; she wants a life partner who brings other things.
I've experienced this myself. I divorced and dated a musician whose income was erratic, at best. While he didn’t have rockstar cash, he had smarts, adaptability, and sincere encouragement for my high-pressure work life. I finally understood why successful men have always sought girlfriends who have the flexibility to allow them to be fully themselves. It is liberating to choose based on factors other than their income.
3. The Joy of Mutual Benefit.
Clear Expectations in Uncharted Territory.
My sister said this with barely veiled judgment when I told her my new relationship dynamic: “So, you’re just going to pay for everything?” Asks a question uncomfortable for us all about women spending money in relationships.
The truth is more nuanced. From what I've seen and having spoken to many other women in the same boat, these kinds of relationships work best when expectations are clear. My most recent partner and I chatted about money early on in our romance. He put in his share according to his income, and I made up the rest. But he also took on more of the emotional labour. And I was probably socialised to do more.
Simply put, most relationships expect men to pay for dates even if this is not explicit. I remember how my father was the provider in their relationship and that gave him the implicit right to veto major decisions. By contrast, my mother took on unpaid domestic work whose value I remember nobody ever acknowledged. When financially empowered women make their intentions clear, they are creating space for more equity, honesty, and clarity in connection.
Beyond the Transaction.
Let us talk about the elephant in the room: the equation of sugar with money. I attended a women’s leadership conference last spring and got into a fierce dispute with a coworker who stated women who pay for their male counterpart’s support are “just paying for companionship.”.
This view misses the complexity and humanity of these relationships. Of course, there is some economic exchange in the dynamic—and there is in almost every romantic relationship. However, reducing such linkages simply to transactions ignores the actual connections formed. My friend Diane not only funds her boyfriend but he is great at what he does and it is a good time. He gives emotional support through her stressful job and adds fun and spontaneity to her orderly life.
In my own experience, even unequal financial footing can foster true connection. Sometimes your relationship can even be enhanced by the imbalance, as it removes the competition in an equal set-up. It’s a strong statement to say I’ve got this and it’s an equally powerful statement to accept help without shame.
4, Facing the Backlash.
The Double Standard.
While chatting at a family event about paying for my younger boyfriend’s grad school application fees, I was jokingly told by my uncle that I was “robbing the cradle and paying for it.” It rubbed me the wrong way—not only because it was coarse, but because of the double standard.
When men financially support younger women, they don’t get made fun of like women do. They're just men being men with a script society long approved. But women who do the same? When women do as men, we are looked down upon to be hopeless or used.
This skepticism comes from all sides. Traditional conservatives think we're breaking natural gender roles. Some feminists feel that we are encouraging this. Everyone seems to think we’re being had—surely a woman couldn’t do this with her eyes wide open?
This patronizing attitude ignores women's agency. Don’t we have the right to spend our money the way we want after the economic independence we fought for? After being appreciated only for a long period of time for youth or beauty, after a while, isn’t it our choice to wish for a partner that values these? The choice is the key word— something which women have fought hard to attain in every sphere of life.
5 Towards New Relationship Models.
Rewriting the Romance Rulebook.
In reflecting on my own journey and those of women in my orbit, I see many of us busy at work rewriting the rules of relationships. Women are now using their power by connecting with men and other sexes they actually need, this means when they bring lots of cash to a date what happens?
Is it always perfect? Of course not. I'm experienced in making errors and heartbreaks and second-guessing. But that's true of any relationship model. What's unique is that women like me are pioneering new grounds without any social guidelines.
Perhaps that's the most exciting part. Without having prescribed roles about gender, we have the freedom to design our relationships based on strengths, needs, and desires. My friend Diane already got that covered, her screenwriter boyfriend doesn't have to provide it. Her requirement is someone who appreciates her creative impulses, makes her laugh and introduces spontaneity into her highly regimented life.
I'm not sure where it all ends up as women's economic power continues to grow. What I do know is that we are starting to see the first steps of a radical change in how men and women relate to each other when the economic model is more equal or even reversed. It’s messy, it’s complicated, and it’s absolutely fascinating to be a part of what we are seeing now in gender history.
Next time someone complains about who pays what in a relationship, I’ll just smile knowing that every time a woman uses her financial power on her own terms, she chips away at the patriarchy in another little way. And that, my friends, is worth every penny.
About the Author
Alexandra Rivera is a cultural critic, relationship columnist, and self-described "accidental sugar mommy" based in Chicago. Writes full-time about evolving gender dynamics, economic power, and modern relationships. She enjoys The Atlantic, Vogue, and Jezebel.
Reader's Tools
- Estimated reading time: 15 minutes
- Key takeaway: Women's increasing financial independence is creating space for new dynamics that gives choice .
- Who this is for: Women navigating financial imbalance in relationships, and anyone interested in evolving gender dynamics.
- Share your story: Have you experienced being the primary provider in a relationship? Share your experience in an email. .