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This essay examines breakup culture through a feminist lens and how our relationship break ups are now digital ones. A personal viewpoint.
BRIEF INDEX
- Toxic Breakup Habits - Oh No!
- Psychology behind our avoidance
- Case for breaking up Better
- Feminist Conclusion?
1. Toxic Breakup Habits: Why We Can't Let Go Digital Heartbreak.
With so much information available on the internet, we often let things get to us when we shouldn’t. Check the 'yes or no’ note. Nowadays, getting dumped over text is as bad as when your crush tells you they don’t like you. ”
I should know. After six months in what I thought was a happy relationship, Jake dumped me with a mere update to his Insta story. Jake’s story was of a selfie of him and the caption “Single and ready to not be emotionally exhausted anymore.” and that was that. That was the breakup.
- You suddenly leave without notice and leave your partner hanging, usually via text.
- Soft ghosting is when a person responds with likes and emojis until the conversation fizzles out.
- Cutting off all communication slowly will affect your availability and active engagement towards your ex-significant other and one day it will be alright to notice that you haven’t heard from them in three weeks.
- Publicly announcing on social media that one is single before breaking the news to the other person.
The Swipe-Right, Swipe-Left Mentality of Modern Love.
When I was in college, I recall my Gender Studies professor saying that dating apps have commodified human connection, which is kind of true? She wasn't wrong. This same approach that makes us scroll through potential dates like it is Netflix has also made its way into ending relationships.
Having so many options makes commitment feel like a boring choice. If the relationship has hit a rough patch, then why work it out? There are literally thousands of matches waiting in your pocket. Our whole attitude towards relationships has been contaminated by this disposability.
My roommate Zoe’s boyfriend started posting thirst traps clearly meant for his ’work friend’, so Zoe was spending hours scrolling through the girl’s perfect vacation pics. She couldn’t help herself—who wouldn’t compare themselves to a model? But the more she did it, the more negative it made her feel. This girl’s life was also curated and edited to look perfect for Instagram. She’s like, “Maybe he deserves someone who has their life together like she does,” totally ignoring that this woman’s feed is basically just as fake as those “candid”s we all take 15 times.
How Social Media Turns Relationships Into Performance Art.
It's not simply a mirror; it’s a sculptor; it’s a grenade. Every couple picture is content and every milestone is engagement. And when things end? Both parties still have to dodge well-placed traps in that digital crime scene.
- Who is the first to post sad song lyrics?
- Is it better to block them or to keep following them to show you’re totally fine?
- How long till it’s ok to delete the holiday pics without looking petty?
When Jack and I broke up after two years, I didn’t really consider our relationship over until I had removed all traces of him from my Instagram, which felt just as important as the actual breakup. My friends literally helped me curate a series of “I’m reclaiming my time” post-breakup glow up pics. If this isn't a show of heartbreak for the audience, I don't know what is.
The Emotional Labor Gap in Breakups.
Let’s be honest about the gendered nature of contemporary breakups that no one wants to talk about: women do most of the emotional labour. Women are those who are expected to be cool with ambiguous situations, not to overreact if someone is breadcrumbing them, to somehow intuit that a phrase like “I’m just really busy right now” actually means “I’m seeing someone else.”
The emotional labor doesn't end with the relationship. After I got soft-ghosted by a guy who I dated for a mere two months, I started making up theories about all the things I must’ve done wrong. The guy, as his friend later told me, just “moved on.”
2. The Psychology Behind Our Avoidance.
Let’s get real about why we’re all so bad at endings: vulnerability is scary. When we have so much value on independence and distancing ourselves from our emotions, admitting that something matters to us enough to hurt us is losing that upper hand that we imagine we have.
The "Whoever Cares Less Wins" Game.
Today, the breakup culture works on whoever cares less wins the game. I once thought it was smart to leave a breakup text without a reply for three painful hours so that I did not come off as “too emotional”. In retrospect, I have no clue what I was trying to win at.
This power dynamic extends to the breakup method itself. If you end things in person, they get a dignified closure. However, they also get to cry in front of you which isn’t what we want to see. Our lives have trained us to not see that.
How Pop Culture Normalizes Toxic Breakup Behaviors.
The media is flooded with narratives from "thank u, next" to "Y’all Really Know How to Break Up," which glorifies moving on quickly and complete emotional detachment. We are taught that the best kind of ex is one who moves on immediately and shows no damage from the relationship.
Post my first serious breakup, I felt a failure because I was not thriving immediately. Where was my revenge body? My carefree social media rebrand? My mysterious new love interest? Our culture doesn’t tell us what to do with grief and healing.
3. The Case for Breaking Up Better.
Not all breakups are bad news. Sometimes breaking up is the best thing people can do. The problem isn't that we break up—it's how we do it.
An Ending relationship is best for both couple.
Some relationships absolutely should end. The guy would text me only when the clock struck 11 PM and end any chat by 2 AM, and also expected me to be emotionally exclusive to him. For months, I excused his behavior until my therapist asked me something: “Would you want your best friend treated this way?” I said if it was my best friend, I would not. This made me realize I didn’t have to settle for his treatment either.
Signs you might be in a relationship worth ending.
- You have to walk on eggshells and monitor yourself to avoid angering them.
- You feel exhausted instead of energized after spending time together.
- Your values totally clash over key things.
- You're staying because it seems scarier to leave than to be unhappy.
- Your relationship stunts your growth, rather than helping it.
The Revolutionary Act of Direct Communication. In a world of breadcrumbing, ghosting, and phasing where everything is fuzzy, simply saying “This isn’t working for me anymore, and here’s why” has become almost radical. The last guy I went on a few proper dates with told me it “wasn’t working for him”, and later thanked me for being straightforward, as I ended things with him due to life goals not aligning at all.
He told me that most people just go off and start acting weird and pull away until you get the hint. It sucks, but at least I won’t be wondering what happened.
That conversation was uncomfortable. I cried. He looked genuinely sad. But after that, I felt a different kind of pain; it was the kind which felt clean, something that could heal.
4. A Feminist Approach for Better Breakups
Conclusion
As we figure out this brave new world of digital love and disconnection, how about we reclaim the breakup as an act of respect rather than avoidance? What if we think of good breakups not as loss but as truth-telling about the true and not-so-true?
I am not trying to make a case for going back to the past when all breakups were done in an ideal way because they usually are not. So perhaps we can create a space where technology meets humanity instead of hiding behind screens that buffer us from feeling pain.
At the next breakup of whatever kind, I’m going to resolve to face it head on (whether it’s my call). Not because it’s easy, but because both people deserve that simple humanity. In a world that throws relationships away when they no longer serve their purpose, I figure doing the opposite is the most countercultural thing we can do.
I’m also too old for “we should hang out sometime” but whatever. I realized that by turning 25 that life is too short for relationship hieroglyphics. Let's just use our words. Revolutionary, I know
Author Bio.
Emma Chen (25) is a Chicago-based writer and critic of screen-averse dating-apps.She Graduated with a Media Studies and Gender Studies degree Portland - where else? She analyzes the intersection among tech, romance, and feminist theory.