I Wore Spanx On Every First Date For A Year. Here's Why I'll Never Do It Again. I was a fashion slave fool and I learned my mistake the hard way. Being laughed at!
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- The Emerald Dress Disaster
- The Closet Psychology Experiment
- Real Talk: Nobody Falls in Love With Your Shoes
- Finding My Fashion Voice
- The Real Me is Better Than the Perfect Me
- FAQ
Beyond the Perfect Outfit: When Fashion Meets Authenticity
Are You Wearing That? The Eternal Date Night Question
Ever had that question on a first date – “is this outfit going to make them like me?” I sure have stood in front of my closet having a total breakdown over the length of a hemline and the height of my heels! The fashion industry has taught us that the right outfit is one swipe away from a fairy tale, but my experience taught me differently: a real outfit beats a designer outfit, any day.
The Emerald Dress Disaster
I remember the green dress, and it hung in my closet like a green beacon of hope. Cosmopolitan magazine said it was the "must-have date night show-stopper". Who was I to argue with the fashion bible? Forget the fact that the green colour looks like I’m going to throw up as it makes me look that way, let alone the fact that the sequins stab my skin like tiny daggers.
My mother always said that beauty is pain, but I doubt she meant it physically.
We went on a date to a fancy restaurant that serves small plates. After spending $200, we were still hungry. Sitting uncomfortably on the barstool, with sequins riding up in places they had no right to be, I was shifting in discomfort, fidgeting around with the dress. My date asked if I was okay
"I'm just so glad to be here!" I said, although I was thinking of how many more minutes until I could go back home and change into my ratty old sweatpants.
When he complimented the dress, I beamed with pride When he asked about my interests, I froze. In the process of preparing to look perfect, I forgot to bring myself.
The Closet Psychology Experiment
My closet had become a laboratory for social experimentation.
The elegant-black dress communicates the suggestion of a sophisticated city-dweller who hasn’t indulged in three seasons of a reality show this week.
The maxi dress suggested that I am free-spirited and the spiritual type, yet flawless.
The tailored blazer said "I'm a success but I can be approached—date me or hire me, either works!"
None of these clothes felt like me. The clothes made me feel like I’m a character from someone else’s story trying out. It’s no wonder my dating life felt like first episodes of a show that were never picked up for further seasons.
Let's be real: No one loves your shoes.
No one ever fell for someone because they wore great shoes. These things may matter in the world of fashion, but according to 1000s of online dating profiles, they don’t matter in real life! Sarah, my friend, met her husband while wearing a Halloween costume. Sarah was a zombie bride. She was bleeding and torn. My cousin got covered in mud at a mud run and found her soulmate. A colleague of mine got engaged to the person who first saw her in scrubs after a 36 hour shift.
I'm not saying appearance doesn't matter. We're visual creatures, after all. But the squeezing and wobbling and going along with trends when it comes to dating fashion? It's exhausting and counterproductive
In When Harry Met Sally
There is an iconic part where Meg Ryan behaves like she is having an orgasm in a crowded deli. That’s basically what the hyper-stylized date outfits do—they’re like a performance that will dazzle momentarily, but under the hood? Sooner or later, someone will sit across from you and be thinking I'll have what she’s actually having, not what she’s having.
The Liberation of Authenticity
I reached my breaking point after a really bad date. The outfit I wore was a jumpsuit which required a lot of effort to use the loo. The bathroom got jammed and I had to call the restaurant manager. Sitting in the manager's office, with no one coming with tools to help me out of the door, that was my lightbulb moment.
I was done dressing for an imaginary audience. No longer wearing outfits that are tight or need tape. I am no longer pretending to be a stylish plate; I am a sturdy bowl, comfortable and inviting, that holds a lot and doesn’t break easily.
Finding My Fashion Voice
But it toom me awhile with a lot of experimentation!
My style evolution began with a simple closet purge. I got rid of everything that made me think “this would be perfect if only I could breathe in this.” Out went anything I couldn’t walk a mile in. I got rid of colors that made me look sickly or unwell.
I started asking different questions when shopping
- Does this feel like me?
- If the conversation gets really good, can I sit on this?
- When I dress up, will my attention be on my dress or the person?
To my surprise, an authentic style made me more attractive rather than less attractive. When you're comfortable, you're confident. When I’m not fidgeting with straps or stopping myself because of visible panty lines, I can actually engage with a human being in front of me. Revolutionary concept, I know
I learned that my actual style is a combination of vintage-inspired pieces, comfy denim, and cashmere sweaters you could nap in. I pick ankle boots over stilettos and I won’t shy away from pairing jhumkas with a tee to say, ‘I made an effort but I also love my blood circulation’.
The Real Me is Better Than the Perfect Me
Last month I found myself on a first date wearing my favourite pair of jeans, a super soft blue jumper matching my eyes and comfortable boots. We ended up strolling for hours in the city discussing different things like childhood memories, favourite books and so on. When he said to change the coffee date to dinner, I said yes immediately as my outfit was great for dinner too and it was comfortable.
After three dates, he told me that the thing he loved most about me was how present I seemed – how I listened to him and was engaged, not distracted. He didn’t know that my easygoing disposition was because I had not worn shapewear that cut off circulation to my brain.
My Final Fashion Thoughts:
The Perfectly Imperfect Conclusion
Clothes should enhance who you are, not hide you. The most memorable personal style isn’t about being perfect. Consider the exciting cultural tributes of Frida Kahlo, Patti Smith's rock effect, and Iris Apfel's glorious maximalism. These women weren’t trend followers, they spoke a personal visual language unique to their identities.
The right person won't fall in love with what you wear, they'll fall in love with who you are. The “right” person should be the real you: comfortable, confident, and present enough to make a “real” connection.
So the next time when you are standing in front of your closet having a pre-date meltdown, remember this… wear something that feels like you on your best day, not like someone else on their average one. The real you is always in fashion; something a style magazine will never tell you.
About the Author
Jemma Parker is a freelance writer and recovering fashion victim living in Amsterdam. Took her twenties for a full decade to perfect the "date night look,". She writes about style and image and the love for fashion.
She would like her work one day to appear in Elle, Refinery29, and The Cut. When not writing, she loves vintage stores and exploring the city with her rescue dog, Bubba Gump who loves fries.