One woman's truthful exploration of sugar dating's temptations and pitfalls. She talks about going through the landscape of modern relationships.

Brief Index

• Introduction
• The Sweet Allure of Sugar Dating
• When Sugar Turns Bitter
• The Personal Values Question
• Find Some Sweet Spots:
• The Final Taste Test: Conclusion and personal decision

Sugar & Spice: Weighing the Sweet Temptations of Transactional Dating

Date Night on Friday the Important One 

Last Friday night, I was once again in the same situation, sitting across from some guy who spent the whole date telling me about his fantasy football league while I alternated between nodding and thinking about how many episodes I could get through (of The Bear) before falling asleep. After he insisted on cutting the $32 bill to the penny (and lecturing me about how my glass of wine was $2 more than his beer), I walked home in the rain because he “wasn’t going in that direction.”.

When you’re in your thirties, dating isn’t just hard — it’s an existential crisis in uncomfortable shoes.

Well, when Mia (friend of mine) mentioned that she had been sugar dating for a good six months. And has managed to pay off her student loans. Not just that, she went on two foreign trips too. I guess I think to myself, “ Am I being stubborn? Or stupid?”

The Sweet Allure of Sugar Dating

Don't Tell Me If I like it Or Not

Imagine this: instead of suffering through a cryptocurrency small talk with someone who “forgot” their wallet, I could be wining and dining at a Michelin-star restaurant with someone who values my time enough to pay me for it. I could set clear expectations and boundaries from the beginning instead of waiting for the texts that never come.

The appeal is undeniable. With regular dating, there’s usually some kind of unspoken exchange going on (time, emotional labour, physical affection). With sugar dating, it just brings those exchanges out into the open. As someone who appreciates honesty, I find it refreshing to call a spade a spade.

"During brunch, Mia explained, “My sugar daddy knows exactly what I bring to his life and I know what he brings to mine.” “This is the most honest relationship I’ve ever had.”

Financial stability is no small consideration. In a fantasy sugar arrangement, I could get $3,000 a month, which is enough to pay my rent and more. That’s in stark contrast to my last boyfriend, who “borrowed” $500 off me, which I guess became a present when we broke up. The sugar dating math suddenly starts making sense

Beyond money, there's the allure of experiences I picture of being taken to Paris for the weekend. Not because I put some sort of spell on someone to take me there (as people like to mention), but because my partner values making memories together. My passport has not been used since 2019; I think it is time it was.

The Possible Disadvantages When Sugar Turns Bitter.

But like real sugar, too much of a sweet thing can leave a bitter aftertaste. The power dynamics are impossible to ignore. If my sugar daddy wants me to attend a business event on the same day as my best friend’s wedding, what happens? The person paying the bills inevitably holds more cards

The stigma is real too. I can just picture telling my mom, a second-wave feminist who burned her bra in college, that I’m going to enter into an arrangement where a guy pays me to hang out! She pretty much finishes the conversation by placing a copy of “The Feminine Mystique” on my dinner plate.

Then there's the question of self-worth. If I get into a deal where I am valued at $X per month, what happens to my value when this deal stops? What if someone deems you unworthy of their investment? do you take that to be your fault

Imagine I have a sugar relationship for a year and get used to a lifestyle I could not afford otherwise. If the relationship comes to an end, we will not just have heartbreak but also lifestyle whiplash. I’d have to tell my friends why I can’t meet them at the fancy restaurant anymore or why I’ve gone from calling Ubers to taking the bus.

The Personal Values Equation

Math is Not My Strong Point 

Before accepting such arrangements, I have had to think hard about my own values. What makes me feel fulfilled in relationships? What boundaries would I need to maintain my sense of self?

For instance, if I enter into a sugar relationship would I be comfortable introducing that person to friends and family? In my hypothetical sugar relationship, what happens when my sugar partner and I disagree on something? Without equal financial footing, how would I assert myself?

I've created a mental checklist of non-negotiables  

• My time remains primarily my own
• My career goals stay paramount
• My body, my rules—always
• Regular check-ins with myself about how I feel

These boundaries aren't unique to sugar dating, of course Every relationship requires them. We have to be extra alert because of the money part.

Alternative Sweet Spots

Before sugar dating, I thought about other options to satisfy my financial and emotional needs.

Rather than searching for someone to foot my bills, I could direct that effort into my career. The increase in promotion I've been after will add about the same amount of money to my monthly income as a mid-range sugar arrangement, and I don't need to panic about it disappearing if someone gets bored with me.

I could also reframe how I view traditional dating Maybe I'm looking for love in the wrong places—and putting expectations on it that kill my chances. Rachel met her husband at a bird-watching club! Pretty random, right? They connected while looking for a rare warbler and are now having their first baby. I’ve never bird watched in my life but maybe my equivalent is out there. A place for people to connect over something they love rather than something else.

The Final Taste Test

After weeks of thinking, doing my research and imagining the possibilities, I have come to a decision: I don’t think a sugar dating relationship is for me. I’m sure Mia is genuinely happy and empowered by that choice, nor do I judge anyone who makes that choice. But that’s not what I want.

What I want can’t be bought. The feeling when someone decides to be with you not because you shine a nice light on their persona or because you provide a service, but simply because you make them happy. I like constructing something with equal investment. Where the wielding power ebb and flow as the dynamics shift over time, instead of just being due to finances.

The traditional route of dating has its own advantages such as awkward first kisses and vulnerable texts you sent are really cringe worthy. Last month, I went on a date with a guy who spilled coffee on himself on the way to our date because he was so nervous. We had a good laugh about it and there was an unrefined charm to it that no sugar date could reproduce. Even though this guy and I aren’t meant to be, I remember that human connection was really what I’m looking for.

Final Thoughts

I also thought about what I would say to my future daughter if she came to me with this. Would I want her to think her presence and love need to be sold? Would I want my daughter to know that a price isn’t placed on her time? Through my own choices, I am creating a blueprint about the relationships worth pursuing: where both parties, inequality and all, bring their authentic selves.

For the time being, I think I will go back to traditional dating but with a better sense of boundaries and expectations. I will focus on getting financially secure where I could build friendships and grow personally.

And who knows? Maybe my next Hinge date won't talk about fantasy football A girl can dream

Bio Profile

Emma Kingston
She is a young 32 and a Digital Marketing Strategist living in Ohio. Emma balances her great career with an active social life and a mini petting zoo farm at home.  

Resource Recommendations:

• Books: "The State of Affairs" by Esther Perel, "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel
• Podcasts: "Modern Love," "Where Should We Begin?"
• Online Communities: r/relationships, r/datingoverthirty (for balanced perspectives)

Keywords

Dating, Sugar Dating, Modern Relationships, Financial Independence, Dating Alternatives, Transactional Relationships, Personal Boundaries, Relationship Ethics, Dating in Your Thirties, Dating Culture, Personal Values, Power Dynamics in Relationship