As we are all aware of monogamy is the standard and cornerstone for relationships in the Western world. The idea that a relationship is based on the simple and effective concept of one person being with only one other person for the rest of their life.
Committed sexually and intimately with that one person only. A Non-Monogamous relationship therefore is the opposite - where individuals have romance, intimacy, and sexual contact outside their relationship. The contact could be with as many individuals as the partners agree to. While it seems Pandora’s box has been opened with joy here for the partners there are many pitfalls and negatives to a Non-Monogamous relationship that need to be examined further. Let’s look first at the various types of Non-Monogamous relationships. Their are four primary offshoots of a Non-Monogamous relationships. There is something called a relationship anarchy, an open relationship, polyamory (which we have already discussed) and swinging (something we have all heard of before). The question here is, what is the difference between these variables, and are they worth considering?
Lets look at the most interesting titled first - Relationship Anarchy. I would believe the title gives it away somewhat on first reading. In its simplest form - it means the relationship has no rules. Have sex and intimacy with who you want, how you want, and no need for any rules or regulations with your partner - hence Anarchy in the title. One would argue since there are no rules to follow or even tell your partner is this a relationship to begin with since there are no threads of connection one would argue. If being a philosopher here, proponents would argue that the connection is, that there is no connection. That is the commonality. I don’t believe many if any would agree with that philosophical assessment.
The famous and well used term Polyamory. This term originally comes from the Greeks and means to have many sexual partners and dalliances. It can take many variations, but the underlying common thread here is that the partner and partners are aware and give consent to these sexual partners. A Hall Pass for sex as some would describe it. Finally, the term open relationships. Where, again, the partner agrees that the other partner can go out and have sex outside their own relationship. What is the difference between this and Polyamory - we shall find out.
Lest we forget, the granddaddy term of them all - Swinging - the difference here is that Swinging is with your significant other, usually taking place at a party with rules and such. Question - does this happen any more or is simply a relic from the 60’s and 70’s? Let’s look at some of the supposed benefits of being in a Non-Monogamous relationship. Proponents would argue the following:
1. Honesty. That with being in a Non-Monogamous relationship that there is greater honesty, and more clearer communication with the parties. This may or may not be true since there is no data supporting this claim. One can agree there is certainly more honesty than if your spouse was cheating, but that is setting the bar quite low in the ethics department.
2. The ability to experiment and full fill ones sexual desires. That goes without saying - more partners, more diversity, and more ability to explore. This would hold true versus a strictly monogamous relationship. Against other forms there would be a more nuanced approach and answer.
3. Growth of the individual. Well, that’s a little rich from the proponents of a Non-Monogamous relationship. The only growth here is of a sexual kind - growth in your relationship would be hard pressed to realize this. Most would agree, that after an objective look, that the growth here would be negative. Why would it be negative - well, see the reasons below.
Drawbacks. I am sure that if one thinks a little bit hard and long you can come up with a whole litany of reasons why a Non-Monogamous relationship would not work in the long term. One of the more popular and relevant reasons is the ugly green monster himself, jealousy. If one partner is experiencing more sex, more fun than the other, the other will not only be jealous but question why am I here? What’s in it for me? There are perfectly valid questions that are hard to answer, and are usually quite specific and subjective to the relationship in question.
Let’s not forget with jealousy, comes a whole list of additional issues attached with jealousy - the number one being insecurity. The thought of your partner having sex not with you, with whom, how many, are they lying to me, will he find someone better (a possibility). All these questions arise sooner or later, and increase one’s jealousy, insecurity, and in the end, anxiety. These three issues above are never easy to understand much less solve in a relationship that demands sex with other individuals.
Another very scary concern, is you and your partners sexual health. Is your partner having sex protected each and every time? Does your partner know the sexual history of his partners? (rarely will they know). What are the chances they are exposing you to more diseases? (your rate certainly increases). Is additional sex worth the risk to my life, or my health in any manner? All are good questions to ask, and again, are specific to the frequency and adherence of you and your partner to a Non-Monogamous relationship. Proponents will argue that communication here is the key - but that seems to be an easy talking point. There will be a time when you and your partner will not be 100 protected, nor know the sexual history of an additional partner. This is guaranteed to be true sooner or later, and there is nothing you can do to decrease this potent worry.
In the end, a non-monogamous relationship brings with it additional concerns, anxiety, and sexual diseases that are caused even greater by the type of relationship you are in. There is no getting around this, free consensual sex is not the free ice cream the parties believe - their are costs, both emotionally and physically. The odds for success are less likely in a non-monogamous relationship than the norm - and with good reason. Keep your eyes open, along with the various issues, and then see if a non-monogamous relationship is for you and your partner.
Written By:
Joyce DeWitt.