In the dating community there seems to be a growing popular trend of intersectionality between two groups - solo polyamory and androgyny - or the new term “Solo polyamory Androgynous.”
Obviously the idea of solo polyamory and Androgyny is outside the norms of traditional relationships. On it’s own, polyamory is difficult at times. However adding another wrinkle to this mix is not, and that would be androgyne. Let us see how the two intersex, and the compatibility and success of this new construct works in today’s modern dating and identity world. First the definitions to get a better handle on their origins and meanings.
Solo Polyamory. Proponents and believers of this ideal and philosophy state that it goes beyond the norms of what is a relationship. It is having numerous sexual partners without having one main or primary partner. The idea here is the opposite of what a normative relationship of two would be - the basis of melding two individuals into one life and relationship. Rather, Solo Polyamory takes the opposite direction, with the opposite goal of having no merging of people or identifies, and being solo without any ties to any sexual partner.
What are the key identifies of Solo Polyamory.
1 The core value of being flexible in all relationships.
2. If having meaningful relationships, then the idea of no further commitments beyond the sexual experience and friendship.
3. Classic solo independence of one's life - the way one lives, spends moneys, and all decisions independent of any other connection.
4. Everything is funneled into one priority, yourself.
5. There is no structure in the multitude of relationships. Everything is flat. No one person takes precedence over another individual.
If you delve a bit further, one can see that when in a Solo Polyamory relationship, you can meld each individual relationship as you see fit. One can be purely physical, the other can be purely relationship based, and so on. There is no linear path in the normative relationship comparison here - that would be meeting, dating, marriage, and children. This path of progression does not exist and cannot exist in a true Solo polyamory. The beauty here they argue, is that you, and only you, is the true architect of your sexual and personal path to happiness.
Where does Androgyny fit in with a solo polyamory relationship?
The word Androgyny comes from the Greek language, primarily the words that mean male and female which would be andro and gyne. Combine the two and you have the word, which simply means the appearance in some manner of box sexes are to be seen. However, the idea that one is androgynous is then hijacked by certain social sexual groups that say to be Androgynous one must follow the following traits or aspects. They are:
1. You have both female and manly traits.
2. That you do not accept any gender roles nor do you accept any of the expectations that come with it.
3. You believe in the fluidity of the sexes
4. You challenge the normative gender binary language.
These groups then state their primary objective in being solo polyamory Androgyny is that it offers the ability to be yourself, without limiting yourself, and having a sense and purpose of freedom. This is where they fail in seeing their hypocrisy. Androgyny can be played up or down depending on the individual - mannerisms, make up, clothes, personality, etc. That is up to the individual. Once you place constraints on them that they can only be solo polyamory Androgyny if they prescribe to a set of rules - and if you do not obey these rules then you cannot be part of this group - goes against the very ideology they preach to their masses. The irony escapes them. If one wants to be androgynous and then join the solo polyamory where one sets their own rules, then they can certainly set their own rules for their Androgyny. Being beholden to a sexual or political ideology to further that group"s narrative rather then one's own self satisfaction and happiness is a false and damaging narrative.
Lets see now how putting these two separate terms in one over all arching term, manages to succeed and find similarities in the melding of both concepts.
Norms. Most would argue and agree in the end that both concepts push the narrative against societal norms of what a common relationship should be. Not only what a relationship would be, but they also push on the ideas of lover, and some would argue gender - although that may not always be the case. Gender is a personal matter, and need not be pushed if deemed not necessary or not part of the core identity of the individual.
Growth. Proponents would argue that being in a Solo polyamory Androgynous pushes boundaries and with it comes personal growth. They called and stated the continued self reflection and inward work as an individual. There are limits to such an argument. Solo Polyamory is about sex with multiple individuals. Managing expectations and encounters need not be about growth than fulling a hedonistic need, nothing more. Being Androgynous is simply adding a further dimension of appearance to this form of relationship which has little or no significance depending on each individual. So growth may not be a by product at all of such a relationship.
Challenges With every new form of relationship in this modern world comes new hurdles to pass - some societal or some family and friends, or some combination of the two. Let’s look briefly at what these challengers are and how to overcome them.
1. My family and friends reject me.
One option is to keep your private life, private. For some that may be viable, while others want to be open and proud of it. If the latter is your choice, most times there is not much you can do about it, other than being honest and proud of who you are and leading your life the way you want it to be led.
2. It’s tough finding someone.
This applies to all types of relationships, especially to relationships that many do not understand, or don’t prescribe to the same values as you do. It’s like saying publicly I love unicorns, when there only may be 10 in the wild. There are only so many people available within your subsect, so get used to it now.
3. With many partners comes much jealousy.
Again, with a relationship that is based purely on your needs first, this is one emotion that can pop up its head regularly. Learn to deal with it on a case by case basis.
Conclusion
Solo polyamory and androgyny together are a very distinct dating and social relationship class. If you love what it offers - prioritization of the self, the ability to set your own rules, self identity, along with many others, it may be for you. However, remember, it is a very precise and distinct sub set in the dating world, and the environment for it is limited.
Written By:
Ted Cruzer