An Introductory Guide to Tolyamory or Tolyamorous: What is it and who is it for?
As society moves forward, there have been attempts to evolve what is a relationship.
Some, not satisfied with these normative terms or conditions, have begun to create variations and ever evolving terms to meet the needs of individuals who do not want a standard relationship. Sometimes, even with the belief that society's relationship terms does not even apply to them.
Born from these new expectations and desires, there has been a recent wave of popularity with individuals and couples joining various offshoots of the standard normative relationship. That is - two partners, in a committed relationship, with boundaries of each partner not having an outside relationship or bouts of intimacy. That is the red line marker for most relationships. In its simplest term - cheating not to be tolerated. Tolyamory changes all of this. It has risen in popularity, and we will take a closer look at what has fuelled its recent surge in “relationship types to explore.”
The first issue we must address is what is Tolyamory? It’s a fairly new term constructed and invented by a sex and radio American host Dan Savage. He simply came up with the idea one day of combining two terms - “tolerate '' and “polyamory”. In polygamy - one or both partners are able to have physical relationships outside of the marriage or committed relationship. There are specific markers here, namely one has to have the consent or knowledge of the other partner. It is referred to as “consensual '' non monogamy.
The birth of Tolyamory.
The Tolyamorous relationship does away with all of that. There are no more guidelines, consents, or open communication to your ability to have relationships outside of your relationship. You simply do what you want to, and your partner is aware of it or not, and tolerates this. Proponents argue this ability to have outside relationships gives one freedom to do what they like, without the permission or judgment of the other. A necessary ingredient to keep the core relationship functioning.
Let’s be clear that engaging in Tolyamorous relationship, can be for one individual or both individuals. Although one would be hard pressed to imagine a Tolyamorous relationship for both individuals.
What separates it from an open relationship, or a polyamorous relationship is there is no cue to the other party when, where, or how they will have this outside encounter. That is why the rise in the popularity of Tolyamorous - the ability to cheat on your significant other as many times as you like, and not feel guilty about it. You will no longer need to feel guilty, or call it cheating, since it is tolerated by the other party, and you now have a new name for your actions - a Tolyamorous relationship. It is no surprise then, that there has been an exponential increase in this type of a relationship.
Negatives of a Tolyamory relationship.
It seems then by these set of functions, that a Tolyamorous relationship is fraught with pitfalls from the very beginnings of its existence and participation of its individuals. Let's look at some of the inherent risks of Tolyamory.
Communication in a Tolyamory Relationship.
The cornerstone of most relationships is open, honest communication. Therapists and sociologists would agree that for any relationship to survive, communication is one of its founding pillars. In short. without communication, you will have no relationship, in any form or construct in the long term.
Tolygamy does away with all of this. You need not tell your partner when you are having outside relationships, how you are doing, with whom, how often, and when you are doing it. Consent is a non issue. Communication is as well. The other party simply tolerates it for the good of the relationship's survival or function.
As you can see, Tolygamy offers no communication when it comes to the other partner's feelings. Add to this, the other partner's expectations, or any boundaries to the relationship between the two individuals. Tolygamny exonerates one party for its behavior by simply stating this is the relationship. It is agreed upon, and these are the terms of the relationship - that there are no terms when it comes to physical encounters outside the relationship.
This will in no doubt, short term or long term, fuel a situation. This situation will come about when one party, the party not having outside physical relationships - whose feelings will eventually be hurt. In addtion, misunderstanding will surely occur, and will have to be addressed at one point. All of this will certainly lead to jealousy of the partner.
Jealousy in a Tolyamory Relationship.
This of course refers to one the the most primal and dominant feature of any relationship which is jealousy. Even at the best of times in a normative relationship, jealousy will occur. It is a normal feeling that is inherent in all humans. When discussing Tolygamy this feeling will increase ten fold based on its policy of disregarding the other partners feelings. Even when the proponents argue that the other party signed up for this type of relationship, the ability for a human being to attempt to ignore affairs outside of the relationship on another party’s whim will lead eventually to one's own insecurity, and of course jealousy. It is inevitable.
Moreso, the person attempting to suppress this core and vital emotion from the very beginning, will lead to possible internal issues of dignity and self worth, which are all ingredients for a failed relationship later in time.
Health in a Tolyamorous relationship.
This is a fairly straightforward risk. If your partner is having unprotected sex, or having sex with partners who pose a higher risk in diseases, then you become a potential disease carrier fraught with various health risks to one self.
Here you would assume, the partner would communicate with the other, or take measures to be protected as best as possible. However, a Tolyamorous relationship is absolute - there is no desire or need to tell the other at all of the outside relationships. The only defense of the proponent here would be, that the person engaging in such conduct would take steps to test themselves on occasion. This itself is not a cure to the problem, rather a by-product of the ideology and offers no protection to the other party. Certainly a Tolyamorous relationship poses a health risk to the other party.
Intimacy in a Tolyamory relationship.
A complex human emotion that is essential to any healthy functioning relationship, regardless of its variations in today’s modern society. Intimacy, as we know, is not simply physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. The ability to have an intimate relationship is based on many complex strands of a relationship all interwoven - trust, communication, common goals, and a connection above all.
A Tolyamorous relationship is bound to fail in this inherent emotional component. By having extra marital affairs outside of the relationship it will certainly make the other party feel not connected at the best of times. In addition, this does nothing to one's emotional connection with the other party, and in the end, will certainly make that loved person feel empty and disconnected from you. All of these components are needed for the function of a healthy relationship,. and a Tolyamorous relationship does nothing to provide this, and only weakens these much needed necessities.
If you are in Tolyamorous relationship what can you do to be healthier?
Here are some suggestions to make sure the one partner is able to mitigate the risks inherent in a Tolyamorous relationship
Communication.
While a Tolyamorous relationship frowns upon communication of extra marital affairs, you can at least attempt to have discussions about your feelings, as well as your expectations on a regular basis.
Boundaries.
A Tolyamorous relationship has no boundaries when it comes to how many partners one has, or how open one has to be, if at all. However, in regards to one’s health, one should implement an agreement on safe sex practices. That is one of the most important markers you should discuss with your partner before exploring a Tolyamorous relationship. Make sure your partner at the bare minimum agrees to regular testing of sexually transmitted diseases.
Intimacy.
As discussed, intimacy is eroded in a Tolyamorous relationship. Try to revive and increase your intimacy levels by spending more time with your loved one, and attempt in a variety of manners to increase your affection in a polyamorous relationship.
Summary.
Numerous media outlets have come out with articles recently stating that a new form of a relationship - Tolyamorous relationship - is on the rise in many western countries. While there is no hard data to backup that claim - one way or another - there is definitive conclusions to be made on Tolyamorous relationship
Proponents will argue the benefits of a Tolyamorous relationship, namely, the ability to indulge in one's carnal desires without the party feeling any need to discuss their actions with their significant other. True freedom they will argue is the cornerstone of a successful Tolyamorous relationship
Those against a Tolyamorous relationship will argue it has no chance of succeeding in the long term due to the many risks associated with this form of relationship.
In the end, a non biased examination would conclude that while relationships come in all forms, and what works for one may not work for another, a Tolyamorous relationship is one fraught with issues, and sits on the outer periphery of available relationships. For those seeking physical relationships outside the marriage or non marriage relationship, there are many better and healthier alternatives to explore your desires than a Tolyamorous relationship.
Written by:
Janice Dean