What is benching in the modern world? It is relatively a new term, which critics argue that it is quite cynical. and unfair in dating relationships. Furthermore, they argue this form of behaviour has become a large issue in the modern dating world.
The term benching originated in sports. This term has made its way over to the modern dating world. Simply put, it means keeping your options open and the person you are dating - referring to that person as simply as a backup option while trying to find someone better. This brief essay will look at in further details of benching, how it affects your dating partner, and why critics look at benching as being unhelpful to any permanent future relationship.
As mentioned above, benching is when someone is not 100% devoted or committed to a particular relationship. At the same time they do not want things to end so you’re keeping that person you’re dating on the bench. You can also liken it to a leash where the leash is quite long and its casual sporadic dating as well. During this time, usually, without the other partner knowing the individual is looking for someone else. This may also include dating this second person as well to see if their options are improved with this new person. Let’s look at some of the key telltale signs if you are being benched in a relationship
One of the first red flags is the lack of constant communication - whether this be in text dating, phone calls, etc. The feeling here is that the person being benched sees at the other party has lost interest but it has not reached the point of a real relationship. The definitive term of benching. Another characteristic would be the lack of any form of commitment by the other party. One sees there are never really any plans to move forward in the relationship or solidify the relationship. Again, a sense of vagueness to the entire episode or lack of purpose by the other party is evident.
Some people in benching have referred to a form of hot and cold with the other partner. This is simply when at certain times the relationship is hot - lots of interest, lots of interaction. Then a huge drop of interest by the other party. This would mean a lack of frequency both in phone calls, texts, dates and even interaction. The extreme of benching. This would even include at times outright silence for a period of time. A mini ghosting. Let’s not forget - unknown to you - during this benching the other party will certainly look for something better. Or they’ve already found it and are dating this person while you have moved down their bench list. Once you have that feeling that you may have been benched, you will hear various excuses from the other party as to why you haven’t been seeing them as often. Vagueness and poor excuses will follow. Then you may be ghosted or the opposite - promises of seeing you more. These are all red flags that have a potential benching situation.
A lot of times the person being benched will ask why me? Why am I being benched? What have I done? Sometimes the problem does not lie with you, but rather the individual themselves. Some of the reasons may be the following. Commitment. The person who’s doing the benching to you, has a fear of committing not only to you but to anybody in general. Relationships scare them. As well, It is simply their philosophy on keeping their options open. Some individuals have multiple people on their bench. They will tell you not to take it personally, but of course that’s very difficult not to do in a personal and emotional relationship. Whether liking the vague situation or the non permanence, the philosophy here is the individual always likes to have various people on the bench. This allows them various options in the dating world. Some people on the bench may accept this, some may not. The choice will be yours. (Although let’s not forget most of the time those on the bench are unaware that they’re on the bench until a certain amount of time has passed.) For many, this time is lost and not something they wanted to find themselves in.
Benchers may also argue that it is not their fault for benching you to begin with. They are not simply sure at this point in the relationship. Confused as to what feelings they have towards you. At the same time , they do have feelings for you and are simply cautioning the situation of whether to move forward or to end things. That can be a valid argument. Although its not pretty, at least it’s an honest argument. A reason critics do not like benching is that for some individuals in the modern dating world benching can be seen as ego driven. Such as, individuals brag to their friends as to how many people they have on the bench. Moreso, that those in the bench are actually aware of being on the bench and still put up with it. This idea is certainly egocentric and one critic will easily tell you to dismiss that individual if you find out the following information i.e. that you are simply one of many in a pattern of benching by that individual you are dating.
The idea of conflict is another reason brought up as to why the benching has occurred. The person has decided to bench you because they are scared of confronting you, or have some form of fear of confronting you. The only fear here would be of simply rejecting you outright. That seems to be a very vague and unrealistic reason for benching. Especially since text has become the norm of communication and breaking up with someone is much easier than in the past. A deeper psychological viewpoint may be at the benching some would argue. More so than simply wanted to date more. Some psychologists would say it’s about an issue of power between the individuals. The person who is doing the benching is the one who’s in power. They feel by doing the bench that they have a sense of control over the situation and you. Especially if you are aware of the benching. The person doing the benching believes this power extends to the relationship by you accepting this benching and not leaving the relationship because of this benching. There is indeed some truth for this for some individuals and these power based form of benching relationships.
On the other side, the person being benched. can have various forms of feelings all negative when finding out they are benched. One would be self esteem. The idea of being second or 3rd or 4th on someone’s list and simply as a backup option never makes anyone feel good. This of course can damage oneself. It also increases anxiety and a sense of dreading and uncertainty. As well, when one finds they are benched it becomes a correct belief of wasted time, energy with this person. In the end, benching overall can be simply seen as a very harmful practice that manipulates the individual. It is ego driven and simply a lack of care towards the other person’s feelings and person.
Written By: Julia Ormes