Cowboy. What do you think when first hearing the word cowboy? I’m always under the assumption and think of the rugged stereotype and archetype of the Wild West. The loner, a conservative, a family man, a hard worker, not very educated, but bright.
Countless iconic movies as well as countless iconic stills have evolved the Western Cowboy culture in American myth and history forever. Yet the term cowboy here has nothing to do with what we are looking at in this brief essay and how it has come about in the modern digital age. In the open world of Polyamory there are a variety of relationships and dynamics that are created. One of the more popular terms in this world is the term “cowboy”. This is when a person who is only interested in a monogamous relationship enters a relationship with someone knowing that she has multiple partners - a polyamorous relationship. His goal, like the American cowboy, is to rope them away from the group and keep them for themselves. This brief essay will look at the term “cowboy” and how it relates to dating, where it came from, and how it works in the modern dating digital world.
The term cowboy in a polyamory world is actually quite a simple idea. It’s the idea of the cowboy removing one steer from the herd. This metaphor applies perfectly to what the attempt here is - to remove a person from their polyamorous relationship and to keep him/her for yourself. However, there’s one further step here - that is not only to remove her from the group, but to remove her from the type of lifestyle that she is in - a polyamorous relationship. In the end, you are attempting to make and change her into a monogamous relationship individual. Critics argue you are attempting to change a person supposedly in a negative construct while applauding a traditional one person monogamous relationship is the standard bearer.
Critics argue the idea of a cowboy entering a polyamorous relationship to steal or a more kindly rope someone into a monogamous relationship can immediately bring up various tensions. They lament that being in a polyamorous relationship should face no scrutiny and no difference compared to a monogamous relationship. The onus of changing should not be on the polyamorous individual but rather the more traditional conservative conservative monogamous relationship person who is attempting to steal here.
In the end, critics argue it is the monogamous individual who is unable to understand the person he wants. And he or she should be the person who can or should educate themselves further. To realize that while they may want the individual, it can still be fulfilling being in a polyamorous relationship and not only a monogamous one.
There are several main characteristics in the cowboy archetype in regards to polyamorous relationships. The first as noted prior, monogamous cowboys are people who have always had, or believe in a monogamous relationship above any non monogamy or polyamory which is not acceptable. Another trait of a cowboy is that they will fully enter a polyamory relationship with this individual even though they entirely disagree with it. The idea here is that they can change the person for the better. The better meaning is a more traditional monogamous relationship. Most Cowboys view polygamy to be incompatible in real life and more or less a phase that the person is going through and easily to reject. They also view putting pressure on their partner whether subtly or more strongly as fine and nothing to be concerned about.
They view pressure as a normal technique to rope the individual into a monogamous relationship. Cowboys will use a variety of techniques - sometimes it can be formed as ultimatums while other times there are tactics through emotional blackmail. The motivations of cowboys can vary. Some may genuinely believe they are "rescuing" their partner from an unstable or unfulfilling situation. Others may be driven by possessiveness, insecurity, or an inability to share romantic partners. .
Damage done
Let’s look at how a cowboy joining a polymorphous relationship can change or affect the relationship with others in that particular group. First, the cowboy realizes that by his entry in the polyamorous relationship, the structure immediately changes because you have an individual who wants to steal somebody and remove themselves from this structure permanently. They know by their inclusion in this structure that will immediately cause a rift. How big or how small will depend on the information coming out? Secondly, the cowboy will know at some time sooner or later, once he ingrained himself in this relationship with the second individual, that they will then begin to pressure this person to move themselves from the polyamorous relationship.
We also know the introduction of the cowboy will change the dynamics of the polyamorous group. For example, he or she can fan the flames of jealousy or competition. These flames not only stick to jealousy, but rather they can attempt to undermine the idea of trust or openness amongst the other individuals in the polyamorous relationship. Finally, if the cowboys is successful in getting the individual to leave the polyamorous relationship, this will of course cause breakups that are painful to some or all in the group. Forever affecting these other relationships with the remaining members that it is not no longer sexual or romantic.
Let us not forget, even if the Cowboy is not successful in getting the individual they wanted they can still cause problems. His initial introduction or placement in this group, he can already cause damage, whether he’s successful or not. Feelings can all be permanently hurt or scarred here. However, some critics argue that there is only so much damage a cowboy can do in such a relationship. In the end, each individual in this polyamorous relationship or partnership must understand they make a choice as well as the person who is being sought after by the cowboy. This accountability rests on the shoulder of the individual making the final decision, no matter how much the influence came about from the cowboy. If the influence did not come from the cowboy, sooner or later, the influence would have come from somewhere else. Most critics would argue that if the cowboy is successful, in roping off that individual, placing blame simply on the cowboy is a way of avoiding their own accountability. Who knows if this individual truly was meant for a polyamorous relationship to begin with. Perhaps it was a temporary sexual or love interest. No one really knows other than the person making the final choice. So critics conclude the idea of a cowboy can at time simply be a scapegoat for others
In the end, proponents and critics all agree that regardless of whether the cowboy is successful or not, for a polymorphous relationship to be successful to survive it must have several factors. This includes clear and open communication. The original vetting of your sexual partner, to create and maintain particular boundaries within the relationship. Finally, to provide education to your partner and to others about a polyamorous relationship.
Written By: Joyce DeWitt