When you first hear the term cowgirl, what comes to mind? We all know what a cowboy is and its iconic imagery and its multiple use in film, print, and media. The term cowboy is forever edged in our collective mind of Western history and lore. The archetype of the bold, strong, independent individual male who lives by his own rules and work ethic.
When I think of cowgirl (before my understanding of the modern cowboy) it has a sexual or flirtatious connotation. Someone perhaps working in a bar or nightclub with the friendly term “cowgirl” printed on a t-shirt. After some research nothing can be further from the truth. As mentioned, in one of your previous articles on the term cowboy a cowgirl refers to the exact same terminology and definition other than the gender being flipped to a female. This brief essay will look at the term cowgirl, It’s meaning, its context, and how it is used in the national. landscape of digital and modern dating.
As we have briefly discussed before about polyamorous relationships, most are aware that such a relationship offers several individuals and sexual partners within this particular structure and dynamic. Two terms have been created that jump to the forefront, one being cowboy and one being cowgirl. How it is used in a sentence is the following. “I’m attempting to “cowgirl” that individual.” This means - just like a cowboy - you’re attempting to lasso a particular person away from their relationship. But in this case, it is a polyamorous relationship. Please remember, to be cowboy or cowgirl gender identity and sexuality do not play a part here. The term cowgirl simply refers to an archetype, usually female, but of course it can apply to any individual regardless of sex, gender or identity.
The next step
As we have stated prior the term cowgirl or cowboy means attempting to pull away someone from a polyamorous relationship. However, there are two further steps that must be addressed here in the cowgirl paradigm. The first step is pulling away that individual from that relationship. To do so, the person must get involved - even though he is a monogamous believing person. In doing the cowgirl, he finds him or herself in a monogamous relationship. The irony here cannot be lost. The person is strongly against polyamory but to win his affection he must be a part of it.
Well, let’s look at some of the key elements of cowgirling. The first most common element is an attempt by the new individual to take away the person’s time, attention, and in effect monopolize their life. By doing so, sometimes even in a very intrusive manner, they attempt to isolate the person from their group. Another common negative element of cowgirling occurs to members of the polygamy group. They naturally feel jealous as to what’s happening to them, as well as having anxiety. Another feature of cowgirling is the ability of the person at one time or another to continually push for the person to leave the group to be in either a one on one or an exclusive relationship. Eventually, this of course forces the individual to break off all existing relationships within the group causing much strife and harm. Breakups are never easy, regardless if it’s only sexual or romantic, or both in nature.
Proponents of polyamorous relations. attempt to soften and decrease the effect of cowgirling by saying most individuals who are monogamous and are with a polyamorous individual rarely attempt to cowgirl that individual. That the majority of monogamous individuals respect a polyamorous relationship. They respect the boundaries of that individual being in such a relationship. Therefore they argue, you can have the meeting of best of both worlds. Positive effects for all involved. Note, having a polyamorous individual with a monogamous individual no one truly knows how common or uncommon this is.
Let’s look at some of the negative impacts and intrusion bind outside party can have to polyamorous relationship. Of course, naturally, intrusion of a new individual, either romantic or sexual, has immediate structural impacts. It destabilizes all relationships within this particular polyomorous group. By his intrusion, it only helps the new individual to isolate the cowgirl. Right away, people who are not the new individual, will see their time automatically decrease with the cowgirl. With less time with the cowgirl of course means less bonding - be it sexual or romantic time. The next step from this, of course, breeds anxiety and huge insecurity as to what will happen in the near or short term future.
Remember, when a new individual enters the polyamorous group, it does not only affect all the members in that group, but primarily can also affect the cowgirl herself. When she realizes what is occurring, stress will be placed on her. The question will be whether to stay, whether to leave, or whether to leave as status quo. She will definitely experience stress, and some say significant stress as she is tries to make everyone happy within the group, including herself and the new partner. The question of whether to commit to the lifestyle of being polyamorous or return back to a more traditional monogamous relationship will be something she struggles with - consciously or unconsciously.
As well, let us not forget what creeps into this new intrusion is the lack of communication. The cowgirl may say one thing to her partners within the group but her intentions may be masked, as the potential outcome. Sometimes this can be hidden or sometimes even it will be downplayed that nothing is going to change. The question remaining. will the change be minor or major in scope?
Final
Once the intrusive element comes into the group it highlights the elephant in the room. The $64,000 question being what is the cowgirls identity? Does being in a polyamorous relationship mean a core of her identity? Or is it simply a phase or it’s simply a minor element within her life? If she leaves polyamorous relationship will this permanently affect her personality or self identity? These are serious questions that will be asked by the cowgirl of herself. Such introspective questions can of course cause anxiety, conflict, or variation of both in her everyday life.
In the end, it will be up to the cowgirl to resolve any potential problems by the inclusion of this new individual in her group. She will have to decide whether to accept him. and whether to accept his demands. Her happiness will be dependent on the decisions she makes. and hopefully with little pressure upon her to make such decisions resulting in her final happiness.
Written By: Anita Hillside