Haunting in the modern digital romance age. Do you know what haunting is? Chances are, if you are between the ages of 18 and 30 you certainly know it. Those over the age of 30 it may seem an unfamiliar term, and with a good reason. Everyone knows what ghosting is. That’s when you’re dating someone and all of a sudden they stop communicating with you, completely a dead stop.
It’s a digital age version of a dump off or cold shoulder. Some say haunting came from ghosting - a digital sub-shoot where the haunting is somewhere between the real world and the ghost world. This brief essay will look at ghosting and the effects it has on the various individuals. From the person who got dumped to the person who did dump you. Along with how to deal with haunting, and to finally stop haunting (if possible) for the betterment of all parties involved.
Let’s first look at the very simple definition of what haunting is. This is when someone usually dumps you, and tries to make a clean social digital break from you as well. The person who is dumped, is not too keen or in a rush to have that clean digital break. Here is where haunting finds its digital ground. Are you the kind of person who hovers over the person who dumped you? If you are you - then you know you are going to pop in and out of this person’s digital life. For some it’s even more than digital pop in. Rather, it’s something more substantial. By popping in and you, you’re trying to actually get the person’s attention (again) which is never a good thing. Some of the most common digital touches are things like continually watching the
person social profile such as Instagram or Snap chat. Sometimes you can take this even further by liking some of their media posts. Again, this is going to be taken a further step later. By eventually adding comments on their media post as well as comments on their photos. Further interaction could be in these messages where you leave hints. They can be very casual and ambiguous comments on your previous relationship. The underlying theme or key in haunting is the level of the ambiguity someone leaves behind. They want to be noticed without. being obtrusive. Some say haunting does not want the person to reconnect with them, but at the same time does not want the person to close the relationship. “Forever Haunting” them. The former is a bit difficult to believe because then why would we be leaving messages? Most would agree some want a connection back. It hurts to be dumped, especially if reasons are not given or you think you’ve been treated poorly and unfairly.
Sometimes the best revenge is simply getting back together, proving that the person was wrong. We have all been guilty of haunting at one time or another. Now we’re sometimes the reaction you get from the other person is not what you’re expecting. It’s certainly playing with fire if you’re haunting someone. Psychologists say there’s a deeper notion behind haunting, but the answers are quite obvious. Let’s take a look at some of these answers. What are the reasons people haunt to begin with? Proponents argue that some people are simply scared, and not hearing from the other person again. Since them miss them they argue, on occasion looking at the person’s social media posts they can keep a connection, but from a distance. They may even keep this digital distance without even wanting to be reconnected. Other popular issues that arise in haunting, is that the person is curious to see who the person is dating, or how they’ve moved on. Or how has the other person’s life changed since dumping you.
Another reason some argue is ego Some psychologists say ego always comes into play in this form of haunting. For example, some may want to see who the person chose, and cannot believe the person is worse than they are - a blow to their ego. Others, go the opposite route - haunting because the person wants to feel validated that their former love notices their occasional media comments on their post. The question here becomes - does this truly make one feel good? I’m ambivalent about that. You may initially feel good knowing that the person knows you still exist on the outside periphery of the digital world but other than that, how does this feed into one’s ego? That’s a question I’m still grasping with.
Some psychologists say the whole point of ghosting is to be ambivalent, that the person doing this does not know where their feelings lie. On one hand, they don’t want to reconnect with the person because they are still angry at them for being dumped. On the other hand, they don’t want to let go because they miss that person in a variety of ways. There may be some truth to this but my guess would be most people who are dumped are still haunting to reconnect. What that degree of reconnection is, of course, a case by case basis. But who among us does not want to reconnect with the person who dumped them in some capacity regardless of the reasons?
Another interesting point made by psychologists for haunting is that sometimes the people who are haunting are doing so because they are seeking answers to their relationship - namely, why and how it ended. They do so in sporadic movements thereby avoiding any direct confrontation. This way, dribs and drabs of their presence in someone else’s social media may slowly engage one day the parties to discuss this. Wishful thinking?
Some psychologists state that haunting can be quite an innocent venture by the party, That haunting was simply because they missed checking on someone’s social account. That has becomes a daily habit over the course of time, and it is difficult to break from this habit. It is a difficult thing. Some would even say an unconscious habit to stop. Being broken up is not an easy thing for most and going back to someone’s social media posts (initially) on a daily basis seems to be a reasonable human condition. For those though being haunted, just like in real life, on occasion it can be a bit creepy and scary. The idea of an ex boyfriend or girlfriend continuing looking over your social media shoulder can be a bit unnerving. Critics argue how can this person move on and make a clean break knowing that the person is continually looking or even commenting on their social posts. In addition, having this haunting over a consistent basis, one’s self confidence in the initial breakup can be questioned. Did they do the right thing?
As well, haunting can cause anxiety to the person being haunted. This intrusiveness can be unnerving. Each time you post does it make you feel like someone is watching you, or that you have to watch what you post publicly? What about future romance with others that you want to tell the social world about? Will this cause further aggregation and hurt to all parties involved? What happens if your new partner sees posts by your ex-partner? Will it cause potential problems here? In the end, there are solutions to haunting a variety of forms. One you can simply try to block the person from your life. although that too brings up complications under fake and assumed names. Also, you can tell the person in private to stop haunting you. You can also tell them they are leaving digital footprints behind to tell them there is evidence of their haunting. In the end, the relationship is over regardless if they haunt you or not. Haunting is simply a by-product of today’s digital social age, something that will never go away.
Written By: Regaldine DiCaprio