When you first hear the word molecule what do you think of? Most people would automatically jump to a biology class that they didn’t care for at all as a kid. We all know what a molecule is. We’re all taught basic chemistry. Chemistry at a young age either by school, television, social media, the internet etc. One would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t know what a module is.
However, in the modern digital dating age, the term molecule has taken on another definition. The source of the use molecule today can be found in what is referred to as a polyamorous relationship. How is a molecule used in a polyamorous relationship? Well, in a polyamory relationship, as most are aware, allows for a person to have two or more relationships. They can be romantic or strictly structural or somewhere in between. So advocates of polyamory have come up with the term “polycule”. A clever way of putting together two words. This new term polycule is referenced in various different relationships within the polyamory structure. This brief essay will look at how molecules works in the polyamorous structure. The various types of molecules and its positives and negatives on a relationship.
Let’s first look at the various forms of molecule bonds that are formed in a polyamory relationship. The first is what they refer to as a primary partnership. This one-on-one relationship is the backbone or core of all of the other relationships in the structure - the main polycule. The second form of bond is what they refer to as a secondary relationship. It is what it sounds like - an individual within the polyamory has one or more secondary relationships. While these relations are important to the main person, they are a step below to the primary relationship. The individual can be a step below for various reasons. Emotional or sexual attachment as well as the frequency of even seeing that person can be much lower than their primary relationship. As well, the person can feel less committed to their secondary relationships, seeing it simply as a relationship that is finite, either short or long term with no possibility of ever moving to a primary relationship.
Another form of connection is called the tertiary connection. This is a weaker connection compared to the rest. It is to be looked at in a very casual form of relationship. Another oddly based molecule based relationship is something they referred to as a metaphor. This term really is on the fringe, since it’s a friend of a partner who may or may not know the main person in the polyamory structure. This individual is not involved in any form of romantic or sexual relationship with the main partner, although they can become friends. Proponents argue these individuals can create family type of bonds here which I personally find hard to believe. It’s interesting to note that in a polyamorous relationship, they take quite seriously the definition of a (polycule.) and how it relates to their own personal structures within the polyamorous world. Similar to a molecule, there are different variations of how the main partner reacts to others (chemicals or molecules) within the polyamory structure. These bonds to other people may be strong or may be slight and break off.
Similar to molecules, proponents of polyamorous relationships will argue that they too need stability as well and positive energy. For example, an individual in the polyamorous relationship will seek similar like minded molecules. By doing this, they can find strength and balance in their relationship. To do so, proponents stayed several factors for finding this balance. The first example they give for this balance and positivity is the tried and true method of open communication. The idea and belief that to have any successful balance in a polyamorous relationship and to have strong molecule bonds, one must be open and honest towards their partners. This open and honest communication does not only exist for the main partner, but also for the primary person to be open an honest with all the secondary and tertiary molecules.
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Proponents also state that for a strong bond between molecules in the polyamory, the main molecule must set boundaries with each level of molecule. By setting different boundaries and expectations for different levels of molecules, this will make an even and stronger relationship within the relationship structure. Finally, to keep the bonds of molecules strong, a management of one’s emotions and an attempt to limit other’s emotions towards you. The most common negative emotions that can come up in this structure is jealousy. The ability to contain jealousy or solve jealousy before it becomes a major issue and destroys the structure. Or, destroying one particular bond (affecting others) is always a difficult and tricky issue to navigate within the polyamorous structure.
This brief essay won’t look at the diversity of various structures within the polyamory or polycule. There are too many forms to mention - however, the most common ones are - the V structure, the triad, the quad, and the network for those interested. For these definitions, and the variations of these structures please feel free to Google them to see exactly what they are.
Now, to turn back to our main topic of how to have a successful polyamory relationship without damaging the other molecules. As mentioned prior, communication is a key to having success here. In addition, surprisingly for some, ethical behaviour is another. Why mention ethical behaviour for success? Well, in a polyamorous structure it will definitely have agreements, agreements who to see, who not to see, and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in this relationship. You want all parties - whether individual and as a group to adhere to these agreements. By adhering to these agreements you will build up trust with the individuals and the group’s success. Also in play here, is of course honesty. Without the individuals being honest to each other and to the group, polyamory will have no chance of success.
Final Thoughts
Another key to success in the molecule relationships of polyamorous structures is what they refer to as “emotional intelligence”. The main molecule here must have a strong sense of intelligence and emotional pragmatism. Proponents would argue this encapsulates many different elements, primarily the ability to empathize with others who are not the main partner. The ability to understand, react, and work with various emotional individuals within this sphere. The final element here would be self awareness. The ability to see not only others, but yourself in a clear and concise manner.
Now to a more practical side to make various molecules in a polyamorous s relationship work. A management of one’s time is crucial. Think of it as a business enterprise. Not only time, but who do you schedule, when, where and how? Many proponents argue that a successful polyamorous relationship first starts off with an individual who has strong management skills to make sure that all partners are happy with the time they receive. In the end, the various polycyclic and the structures and bonds it forms can be quite enriching and diverse, but at the same time complex depending on the elements that come together. It is up to the main element or molecule individual to steer the success or failure of such a relationship to success and happiness.
Written by: Joyce DeWitt