Should there be goals in a relationship? Some would argue yes, while others not. That the fundamentals of any relationship are and should be the same regardless of sex, gender, or culture and its norms.

Let’s take a closer examination of this question, and see where we end up at.

Let us ask the first question - do you want goals in a relationship. That can be left best to the people in the relationship, either as an individual or a couple, since maybe one person does not see the need for goals.  Which brings up a valid question - why do you need goals? Some would argue once you need goals it means there is something wrong with you, or something amiss in the relationship. Again, all can be true. Those who are more in agreement with therapy, would argue all relationships have goals, just you may not know it. I will leave this up to the reader to decide if they or their relationship needs goals, since that is an individual choice, and should always be left to that individual.

Those that are in favour of goals in relationship argue that every relationship should aim for goals, consistent goals. For example more happiness, more love, less anger, less fighting, and the list can go on forever. Lets concentrate on some basic fundamentals and see what the experts have to say on it. The underlying reason for all of this work, and make no mistake it can and will be work, is to make the lines of communication more open, and to strengthen all the fibres and bonds of a relationship as tight and intertwined they may be. Lets look at some goals shall we.

My Partners flaws.

When you first start dating someone’s quirks, weirdness, flaws, call it what you will can be quite endearing in the beginning. However, over the course of time, and it certain pent up moments, these same flaws you found endearing can be now downright annoying to the other partner. It is in these moments of passion, or anger, or a combination of both - that you take a very deep breath, and focus on not making the other persons quirks or flaws a discussion point if the anger is directed at something else - which it usually is. Experts will point out the obvious here - no one, and I mean no one is perfect. Therefore, quirks and annoyances are something you should take part and parcel of any relationship. Go back to finding this quirk endearing, or at least more tolerable. If you concentrate on that goal - to make any quirk either loveable or tolerable it will not become an issue ever again. Something which is a commendable goal in any relationship.

Be Yourself. 

How many times have you heard this before? Which always brought about the follow up question - if I am a jerk, should I continue to be one? This is the old chicken and egg argument, which came first. Let’s not take that example, an extreme one at that, as the flaw in the logic. Rather, let us assume you are a normal and sane person who wants to improve themselves. The key here is the opposite some would argue - namely, do not get overshadowed by the other persons personality. Nor, do not acquire and take parts of their personality and put it in your own. No one likes this - no one. Stick to your own likes and dislikes, and cultivate your own interests and personality. You will be better for it in life, and your relationship as well. By being your “original” self, is what attracted your partner to you, and it something you want to continually doing and being true to thyself as the famous author once wrote.

Love signals.

No - they are not what you think they may be. Therapists have a coded love language where individual do and have certain traits, as well, as things they must do to each other to make the relationship work for love. Most agree that there are five such signals. We can list them here now in no particular order.

There is the most common - ones physical touch and being. The second would be how to express your feelings towards someone verbally and successfully. This would mean an often pattern of affectionate terms and words of love. Third would be presents. Returning on occasion with regularity of giving gifts to each other - whether they be it small or large - they show acts of an interest and showing love on a consistent basis. Fourth would be doing acts of kindness. Perhaps doing the chores, or doing the dishes - little or large things the other party will take notice of and appreciate your consistent efforts. Finally, what is referred to as quality time. That is self explanatory - the act and ability to spend time with your partner in a consistent and loving manner. Yes, that can include the proverbial Netflix and chill scenario. Any act, be it large or small of spending quality time with your partner can only be a good thing, and in the end strengthen that bond of love even further and stronger.

Challenges.

The only way a relationship will survive and work in the long term is if you face your challenges together as a couple. Involving the other person, when you can, does a lot in terms of trust, effort, and in the end love. It can only make your relationship bonds stronger, each and every time.

Communication

The cornerstone to any successful relationship. The only question is how much to communicate to your partner? When is it too little, too much, and should I keep little white lies if I know telling them will hurt them. Those questions can garner enough information to write a book or two, and they have. Suffice to say it is best to do the following - listen carefully when your partner speaks, hear what they are saying, don’t judge immediately, and let them finish. Once they finish, then you can process what they have said, and express yourself as clearly and best as possible without being sarcastic, judgmental, or rude. Sincerity and Manners always count in communication - two of many cornerstones in a successful relationship.

Written by:

Joyce DeWitt