What values should you strive for in a relationship? or what values need to be present in a relationship to make it work, be fruitful and happy, and be long term with a solid foundation?
Lets take a closer look shall we. Most experts would say there are numerous yet consistent values in a relationship that is enduring, and can withstand the times of pressure. The reason for this being the core principles or values that every relationship must have. Here they are. Note the list is not exhaustive - there are some values that can be interchanged with others depending on the expert and their critique. However, the summary here of these values will give you a good understanding of what is necessary.
Honesty. I believe that if any person or couple were to be asked what is necessary value in a relationship this would be the most common answer. How to have this in a relationship? Easy, simply do it - namely be honest. Don’t hide things, don’t omit things, don’t exaggerate, don’t manipulate, and do not lie. Sounds easy enough doesn’t it? But it does not end up that way always, since people have different interpretations of events and opinions on some truly personal moments of conflict. So, the best advice here, when being honest, keep it simple, keep it effective, and do so as soon as possible.
Loyalty. Everyone speaks of it, but when the proverbial pizza hits the fan, out and run they go. Or when a better potential mate pops up, out the door they go. This is a very easy criteria to define, but very hard to attest to. When someone says yes, I am here for the long run, forever, for our relationship, the statistics say otherwise. Why is that? Some say its the times and the culture. That each generation gets less loyal and more nomadic. Would you agree? I would. If you go back generations, you can see the marriage rates were much higher. Was it because of a greater sense of loyalty or less options for the person wanting to leave? Social Historians will have to argue that issue for a very long time.
Respect. We all say we respect our partners. Do we really though? How do you define respect? Most would say treatment of your partner is what defines true respect in the relationship. That would mean treat your significant other with lots of love, kindness, and appreciation. That troika of qualities would form what we call respect. However, what’s also missing from this troika is the negative respect which you must adhere to. That means you do not do the opposite in a consistent manner to your partner - such and belittling them, yelling at them, making them feel bad, cursing at them, etc. So, to show true respect to your partner, not only must you treat them well, but on the flip side do not treat them badly either. One goes automatically with the other.
Talking. This is a tricky one since people are all wired differently - based on their personality, gender, culture, location, and mind set. Some people are naturally chatty while others are not. Some love a partner who chats a lot while others are content in silence for long periods of time. You cannot change someone’s behaviour drastically for a relationship. When you end up being with that person in a relationship that is what you are going to get for now - it may change 40 years from now - knock on wood, but don’t expect to change them. However, what we can gleam from here is a strand of communication which is the important criteria here. When I say communication, I mean express your thoughts, desires, and goals to your partner in a consistent matter. You have to show some openness with your feelings to your partner, or its not going to work in the long run. This also works the other way - like most requirements do - to listen well when your partner speaks. Do not be dismissive, or negative, or name calling, or even yell. Try to listen sincerely, regardless of how much you may disagree. The point here is having dialogue, truthful, open dialogue where your message or feelings are heard by the other party. You as the other party, your goal is to get and understand what your partner is telling you. Once you understand, then you can sit down and resolve hopefully any issue that arises in a cohesive and positive outcome.
Trust. Is this not the most important strand in the core of a relationship? Without trust there is no relationship. Once that trust is damaged or broken it is so difficult to get back, if ever. How to repair the trust once its damaged or gone? That is difficult - many couples and countless more will fail because some relationships cannot be put back together once trust is damaged forever. That is how important that element is to a relationship. How to be on the straight and narrow with improving your trust from the get go - well, the first suggestion would be dependable. When you say you will do something - then do it, and do it on time. Make sure to keep your commitments, that way a person can trust you over the long term. Second, don’t play around with your trust, and do not test it. What is meant here, do not stray outside of the relationship, and play on the fringe - flirt, text, send messages to another party. No matter how innocent you make it out to seem to another party, that party may never trust you again, ever. So, the best advice here is, do not play that game. While we are at it, another trust breaker is lying. Consistent lying. That is an issue that will easily destroy trust in a relationship and eat at its core. So, for a simplified summary on how to keep the trust - do the following - keep your commitments, do what you say your going to do, and do not lie and do not flirt or engage with people outside of your relationship.
Written by:
Joyce DeWitt