A witty, personal take on why boundaries aren't just self-help fluff but essential feminist practice for relationships that don't drain your soul or steal your joy.
The Basics:
Drawing Lines in the Sand: What Boundaries Are.
Boundaries are not a way of keeping people out while you sit alone in your castle polishing your crown. Honestly, staying alone is a good option to have.
Boundaries are just like those velvet ropes around museum exhibits—they prevent people from touching the art (that’s you!) but still allow them to admire it. They're not walls; they're guidelines that say, ‘Here’s how to interact with me without leaving me feeling like I’ve been emotionally mugged.’
My feelings aren’t yours – emotional boundaries 101. Remember when my ex-boyfriend wanted me to be his therapist, life coach and emotional punching bag? I sure do—mostly because I let it happen for two years. He would text me at 2 AM with an existential crisis, and I would wake up to write a paragraph-long reply while my sleep cycle wept in the corner.
When a person successfully enforces a boundary, it communicates something like this: "Your feelings or response is fine. Empathizing is good. Making you feel better is important for me, but I do not take responsibility for your feelings".
When my current partner is having a bad day, I can understand without absorbing his mood like I am some kind of sponge. The difference? I have learned that being there for someone doesn't mean that I must take their emotional rubbish and be left to deal with it.
Don't Touch My Cookie Jar: Taking Back Your Space.
The discussion of physical boundaries extends beyond consent (although that is a must). It means "hands off" my body, my things, my space! Except you may ask me for it if need be.
A former coworker of mine would grab things off my desk by leaning over, stand too close while talking to me and, my favourite, massage my shoulders without consent while I was working on deadline. Weeks of discomfort later, I told him, “Dave, I know you’re being friendly but I need you to ask me before you touch me.” He looked shocked, then embarrassed and finally agreed.
Was it awkward? Absolutely. Did it make our office interactions a bit awkward for a week? You bet. Did it make it worth it to not feel my skin crawling when he came near my desk? One thousand percent yes.
I Know What I’m Saying, Actually: Intellectual Boundaries I Know
"Let’s talk about hepeating”. This is when a woman says something in a meeting but no one hears her. Five minutes later, a man says the same thing (“Brilliant, Steve!”). Now you know what hepeating is!"
Intellectual boundaries spare our ideas and thought processes being dismissed, co-opted, or mansplained back to us. It’s important to maintain your own expertise and perspective.
Last month, while I was on a panel about relationships, a man in the audience tried to explain attachment theory to me, even though I had just spent 20 minutes talking about it and quite literally wrote my master’s thesis on it. Instead of smiling politely (which is my answer in my twenties); I said, “Thank you for engaging with me but as I said before…” and I repeated it. I knew everything from a smile the moderator gave me.
Talk About Boundaries: The Feminist Revolution Starts at Home.
If what's personal is also political (and it is), boundaries in your relationships are nothing short of revolutionary. It's about breaking down the expectation that women should be forever nice, always accommodating, and infinitely available.
Good girls finish last: Overcoming the good woman syndrome.
When I was growing up, I was told that being “difficult” was the worst thing a girl could be. Having opinions, stating preferences, and—heaven forbid—saying “no” without a 15-minute apology tour was considered being difficult.
The "good woman" story is a trap that keeps us small. The narrative suggests that we are only valuable if we can anticipate and meet other people’s needs while ignoring our own. My friend Rachel was in a relationship in which she did all the emotional workloads, managed the household, and sacrificed her career “because he needs me” and “I don’t want to be selfish.”.
If someone finds you selfish and they are the one taking advantage of your selflessness, it is not an insult.
When I stopped saying yes to every request, to every volunteer opportunity, to every social obligation, people stopped seeing me as the girl who can do it all. I gained time, energy, and the great realization that people will respect you more when you have boundaries.
What Do You Want? No, Really, What Do YOU Want?
Last year, I went to therapy for six weeks just to try to answer the question, “What do you want?” Not what I should want, or what would make other people happy, but what I really wanted.
It was embarrassingly difficult.
You empower yourself when you ask yourself what it is that you really want and need, and you take it seriously.
It is about realizing that your needs are not an afterthought that comes in once everyone’s needs are met.
My partner and I had a conversation about where to live and I almost went along with it just because it was easier. But I thought for a moment and said to him, “Actually, I need to think about what I want too.” We ended up finding a solution that suited us both, but more importantly, I established a precedent that my wants matter.
- The Feminist Angle:
The Martyr Complex is So Last Century.
After a lot of research, I have finally come up with a formula.
If you ignore what you need and prioritize everyone else's needs, you will eventually explode in resentment and/or have a nervous breakdown.
Revolutionary, I know.
It’s fine to have a martyr complex but it’s more important to prioritise yourself. After trying to be perfect, 28 burnouts taught me this lesson the hard way: partner, daughter, friend , community member, employee tried to be perfect.
After three months of mostly lying in bed unable to get out, it finally dawned on me: Living with no boundaries is not just hurting me, it is hurting everyone else too. My relationships became about what I could get, my work suffered and I manifested passive aggression.
Not setting boundaries might lead to burnout but more importantly, it will sap your capacity for connection and joy. When you are not running on emotional fumes you can actually show up as your true self for the people or causes you care about
Doing It: Boundary-Setting That Works for People Pleasers.
You know boundaries are important, but how do you sort that out without breaking out in hives? I used to apologize to a chair after bumping into it so I have a lot of wisdom to share.
How to Say No Without Bursting Into Flames.
Most people think saying no is like catching on fire. I've tested this theory extensively.
Keep your “no” simple, straightforward and not sorry. Skip the justifications, elaborate excuses and the 3-act play about why you can’t do it.
My sister asked me to babysit on my one free weekend after a month of deadlines. My old response would have been: “Oh, I’d love to, but I’m kind of tired and I was hoping to maybe get some rest, but if you really need me I guess I could…”
My new response would be – “I can’t do it this weekend, but I am free next Tuesday if you want.”.
Notice what's missing? The guilt trip, over-explanation, and indirect cue to get her to convince me that her needs are more important than mine!
Sorry, It’s Not Me, It’s You.
Once I kept a count of how many times I said sorry in a day. The final count? 37. And that was just the ones I caught myself saying out loud.
Women, particularly, are taught to say sorry for existing, wanting things, or marking boundaries. We often say sorry when someone bumps into us, when we ask a question or when we give an opinion.
Do this experiment: Replace “I’m sorry” with “Thank you,” and see what happens.
Instead of saying “Sorry I’m late,” try saying “Thanks for waiting for me.” Instead of saying “Sorry to bother you,” try saying “Thanks for your time.” Instead of saying “Sorry, I can’t make it,” try saying “Thank you for understanding.”
When I began to make this switch, I felt a greater sense of confidence and people’s response changed as well. Saying “thank you” connects, but saying “sorry” too much makes people uncomfortable.
- Practical Tips:
Flaky boundaries are like flaky pastry; delightful to others and ultimately empty.
When you enforce boundaries inconsistently, it is the quickest way to make sure they get ignored. If you frame your study time between 8-10 pm to your roommate and make an exception when she pouts, she’ll learn that you can break boundaries.
My mother is such an expert in pushing boundaries, that I call it an Olympic sport. I used to always say, “I can’t talk about who I’m dating right now” and then, when she would pout, I would. The first few times were excruciating. She pushed, guilted, and even teared up. But after I remained consistent she stopped asking after some time.
It's not only about other people respecting it, but also you respecting it. When you respect your own boundaries, you build trust with yourself.
Isn’t that selfish?” and other questions from the boundary-challenged.
The most common pushback against boundary-setting comes in the form of that accusatory question: “Aren’t you being selfish?” Let’s unpack that loaded term, shall we?
- Dealing with Pushback:
Selfish may be a long word but it isn’t bad.
Women for centuries have had the word “selfish” used as a weapon against them, as a way to keep us confined to our expected roles as caretakers and emotional support humans. It is a very effective tool of guilt and compliance.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary! Would you call a car selfish for needing gas? Would you call a phone selfish for needing to be charged?
My friend Lisa is a single mother of three children and also has ageing parents. Her brother told her that she must be “selfish” to not host Christmas. For five years now, she has hosted while her brother has done nothing to help but slate her cooking.
When she told me this, I asked her: 'If it's not selfish to put on your oxygen mask first, then how is it selfish to set boundaries to avoid an emotional crash landing?'
The belief that ‘good people’ – especially women – should be selfless and put others first is not just unrealistic, but also dangerous. It makes you drained, bitter and puts you in a relationship out of obligation.
This is a welcome mat (with some instructions) not a wall.
Boundaries are the most amazing thing in that they don’t send people away but bring the right people close.
Setting boundaries says: I respect myself more than I respect you, but the cool thing is it makes others respect you more. This shows that you admire the relationship and you want to be true about what you want to make it work.
I was worried that my friends would think I wasn’t a good friend when I first started to be honest with them about my introverted needs, like needing time to recharge after being social and saying no to things. However, many people expressed their relief and said they felt the same but were scared to say it.
Boundaries are what not just keep people out but help us connect. People who have boundaries in a relationship are clear about everything.
Wrapping Things Up: Your Guide To Boundaries.
Setting boundaries isn’t a one-off thing. It is something we do over and over again. And yes, it gets easier with time.
Start small if you need to. Try learning to say no to small requests first. Rehearse your boundaries in the mirror if that helps. If saying it out loud seems too scary, just text them.
You shouldn’t feel like it’s your job to manage the other person’s response. Some people will resist if they benefit from your unboundedness. If someone reacts negatively, it means that you are right and not wrong.
As for me, I'm still a work in progress. I still say yes when I mean no sometimes. Or over-explain my boundaries. Or feel bad about my needs. But I now catch myself, readjust and move on.
Ultimately, boundaries aren’t just about protecting ourselves; they’re about fostering a relationship where two people can show up in a meaningful way. When we set boundaries, we create space to genuinely connect, rather than feeling obligated or resentful. In a world that often views women’s needs as luxuries, that is not just self-care — it’s revolutionary.
So go ahead and set your boundaries! You don't need anyone's permission to say "no" as it is a complete sentence.
Reader's Toolkit
- Beginning with what boundaries actually are, when boundaries beginners start
- For people pleasers: Start dealing with the good woman complex.
- If you're fearful of conflict, learn how to say no.
- You’re Not Being Selfish; You Are Being Assertive.
- Read selfish is not a four-letter word.
About the Author
Mia Chen, a 32-year-old relationship columnist and women’s studies lecturer, lives in Boston. After getting through her doormat decade in her twenties, Mia balances research with brutally honest personal stories in her writing about boundaries, gender relations, and dating in the modern age. She regularly contributes to publications When she is not penning her words on emotional work and politics of no, she is likely informing her mother-in-law that no, she can’t just “drop by”, or teaching her cat that 5 AM is not a time for playtime negotiations.