The appeal versus the real thing: money, power, feminism.All important issues that need to be looked at in the sugar jar.
Quick Index.
- The appeal versus the real thing: money, power, feminism.
- Invisible work, Identity crisis, Boundary conflicts.
- Risky Areas: Gaps in Age, Using Manipulative Tricks
- A Closer look.
1. So You Think You Want a Sugar Daddy? Think Again (Maybe).
Let's Talk About That Money Honey.
Imagine this: You are a 22-year-old college kid who is deep in student loans and on your fifth night in a row of eating ramen when your phone buzzes. A 45-year-old finance guy is offering to pay your rent and buy you red bottom shoes in return for… your time. Tempting, right? Who say no to financial freedom without a 9 to 5 job?
But here's where it gets sticky (and not in a fun way). When they start doing it, it’s all like “finally, I can pay my bills!” but before they know it it can quickly become “okay, I can’t leave this relationship now, that’s too expensive for me; my lifestyle is dependant on my sugar daddy.” Like my friend Maya who started sugar dating just to pay for grad school. After six months, she was missing class to get time with her sugar daddy (who paid her tuition). That freedom she sought? It came with golden handcuffs.
Who's Calling the Shots in This Relationship?
Let's face it: a partner who pays all the bills doesn’t usually consider the other a true equal. Yes, it’s a choice to go away for the weekend in the Hamptons, but are you really free to say no when your rent payment relies upon keeping him happy?
Last year, popular sugar dating site Seeking Arrangement said that new student sign-ups in the pandemic had jumped by 40%. College students facing remote learning costs and unemployment weren’t suddenly attracted to middle-aged men in Patagonia vests—they were attracted to financial stability in an unstable world.
Is Feminism Empowering or De-empowering?
“I’m just using the patriarchy!” every sugar baby trying to justify her choice to her feminist book club. And honestly? I get it. If men have been exploiting women’s bodies since the beginning of time, why not profit off a system that objectifies us anyway?
But here’s my hot take: benefiting from objectification doesn’t mean you’re dismantling it. On a podcast last year, model and former sugar baby Chloe Cherry revealed her thoughts about herself saying she thought she was gamed by the system but looking back, she was just participating in the system differently.
2. The Cost of Getting Close to Someone (Spoiler: It’s More Than You Think).
Emotional Labor: The Invisible Workload.
Being a sugar baby means much more than just looking pretty at dinner. A sugar baby’s job description doesn’t exactly entail “looking cute over dinner.” You also have to remember his mother’s birthday, listen to him vent about his ex-wife, stroke his ego when he bombs a presentation, and pretend you’re fascinated by the 10th round of “what’s a blockchain?”
This physical work is highly tiring and unrecognized work. According to writer and ex-sugar baby Lana Michaels in her famous post on Medium, “I wasn’t being paid for sex. I was being paid to make a middle-aged man feel like he was still relevant, desirable, and interesting. That’s way more work than sex would have been.”
The crisis of identity is special: who am I without the sugar?
Having your companionship labelled as commodified messes up self-concept.
What happens to you when your market value is linked to your youth, beauty and your ability to make a guy feel special? What happens when you wish to exit the market?
A survey by the University of Colorado found that many ex-sugar babies struggled with identity issues after their arrangements: 62% of them had trouble connecting with others outside of arrangements after. A participant mentioned, “I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If not to pay my bills, then what does he want from me?”
When Money, Sex, and Feelings Get Tossed in a Blender.
Try this fun game: Ask a sugar baby and her sugar daddy separately if they're in a relationship. The cognitive dissonance could power a small city.
The lines get blurry fast. Is the sugar daddy giving you a gift for no reason, or is it a trade? You seriously start to feel something—Stockholm syndrome or not? An infamous Reddit thread involved a sugar daddy who was shocked—SHOCKED—that his sugar baby was seeing other dudes even though it was not exclusive. He felt "cheated on" while literally paying for her.
3. Warning signs of toxicity from sugar.
The Age Gap Isn't Just a Number.
When tech CEO Martin, 52, matched with college freshman Zoe, 19, on iluvsugar.com, he had more than just decades’ worth of life experience. He also had decades’ worth of negotiation experience, relationship manipulation, and financial leverage.
It is not merely age that and how someone is vulnerable. A college kid who is barely of legal drinking age isn’t going to have the same enforceable boundaries as someone with 30+ years of adulthood. According to research from sugar dating forums, older men and younger women often date each other as a matter of course. That's not just a gap—that's a canyon.
Manipulation Station: Next Stop, Coercion.
The way manipulation occurs in sugar relationships is quite intricate. It almost never looks like explicit ultimatums; it’s more like slow encroachment of boundaries. When someone says, “I spent a lot on dinner, shouldn’t you stay?” or “I thought you were different and it wasn’t just about money”, they are manipulating you to extract more from you than you agreed to.
An investigation of former “sugar babies” found that 73% experienced some form of coercion within their arrangements and that the most common form of coercion was financial. One anonymous reply said: “He’s never forced me to do anything, but made sure I knew that if I wanted to get my allowance, I had to be ‘fun’ and ‘adventurous’”
When Problems Arise: The Law-Free Zone.
Imagine this scenario that can keep you awake at night: if your sugar daddy steps out of the agreed-upon boundaries, what can you do? The legal gray area of sugar dating offers very little protection.
Jamie Thompson, who used to be a sugar baby and an activist, learnt this the tough way as her arrangement turned abusive. When she attempted to make a report, they asked her, “But he was paying you, right?” The implication was clear that her consent was bought and paid for and not relevant to what the actual deal was. Sugar Dating 101 now offers resources for sugar babies to find legal protection, but the odds are still against them.
4. Finding the shades of gray beyond just black and white.
Let's be honest about sex work: spectrum and accountability.
Enough Already with the Sugar Dating is Not Sex Work Kasadunga Actress There is a spectrum of behaviours and practices that constitute sex work. Sugar dating definitely exists on that spectrum so can we please stop pretending otherwise?
When sugar baby influencer Jessica Lemons (with more than 300K TikTok followers) finally admitted her sugar relationship was sex work, she lost sponsors but gained credibility among sex work advocates. Her honesty stirred an important conversation about how the sugar bowl community often distances itself from sex work while still reaping the same benefits.
Communication and consent are make-or-break elements.
Radically honest communication and enthusiastic consent are what distinguishes ethical sugar dating from exploitation. The problem? It is very difficult for both to achieve these goals.
Ex-sugar baby and relationship coach Alex Morgan now offers workshops to set boundaries in unusual relationships. Her golden rule? If you can’t plainly talk about expectations, compensation, and boundaries, with either party feeling put out, you shouldn’t be in a sugar relationship – period.
When Regular Relationship Won’t Cut the Must Go All Out
To be fair, traditional dating also has an issue with power dynamics and unspoken transactions. At least sugar dating puts the exchange out in the open.
In a survey of users done in 2023 by dating app Bumble, 40% women confessed to dating men mainly because of the lifestyle or experience they could not afford. Almost 4 in 10 men also shell out cash on a date expecting physical intimacy.
Are we really that different from sugar dating, just with less honesty?
CONCLUSION.
Sweet Freedom or Pricey Trade-Off? The Bottom Line
I am not here to judge anyone’s decision, I mean lord knows we are all just trying to get by in capitalism while enjoying overpriced drinks. I’m saying we might want to start getting really honest about what we’re losing with sugar dating.
Sugar babies often find it hard to resist the promise of financial security. Just like fast fashion has a lure, similarly sugar dating seems to attract many. Most of these things seldom turn out to be worth it at the end of the day. Along with that, you will not be surprised to learn that there is often exploitation.
For every sugar baby who used the money to fund her startup or pay for her student loans, there are scores who leave with more baggage. The stories about trips to Bali and spending time in boutiques are nice. However, they seldom reveal the discussions, boundary infringement, and the crises that come with them.
If you think of jumping into the sugar bowl do it with your eyes wide open, boundaries in place, and an exit strategy that does not involve someone’s else’s bank account. At the end of the day, it’s not the sugar that’s sweetest but knowing your worth isn’t the allowance.
Reader's Toolkit.
- If you are a sugar dater, look for recommendations on manipulation tactics .
- If already engaging in sugar dating: Check boundary setting and identity issues.
- Focus on the contradiction and power dynamics of feminism.
Zoe Best is a 28-year-old cultural critic and digital anthropologist based in Chicago. With a Master's in Gender Studies from Northwestern and three years of experience researching modern relationship dynamics, Zoe brings both academic rigor and lived experience to her analyses of contemporary dating phenomena. She teaches workshops on digital literacy to college students. Follow her here on her articles at iluvsugar.com or on Instagram at @iluv_sugar.