Aall relationships involve some form of exchange - we can admit it or not. Most choose not to admit it. I am here to tell you what is true in my life.
Intro.
Imagine the scene: It's a Friday night, I've gone on three dates with a guy who works in finance, and everything seems promising. He ordered the expensive wine and picked up every cheque, and dropped a mention of his condo three times. As we deliberate on splitting a dessert or ending for the night, he leans in and says, “I really like looking after you.”
I nearly choked on my overpriced Cabernet.
Because here’s the thing – while he was “taking care of me,” I was “taking care of” something else. And I was increasingly wondering why this dynamic felt so familiar and yet no one was calling it what it was: a negotiation.
1. The Dating Economy We Don't Talk About.
What are we suggesting in this modern dating world?
I'm not suggesting my mediocre date was sugar dating. But I am arguing that power and economic dynamics have become embedded in modern dating in a way that we do not acknowledge. The difference? Sugar dating acknowledges the transaction. Traditional dating disguises it.
As a 28-year-old feminist, my experience of dating culture in 2025 makes me interested in how we discuss relationships and power. We support women who marry rich (“Get it, girl!”) but side-eye those who are honest about wanting someone who brings a sense of stability (“Gold digger!”). We tend to applaud the executive husband who "allows" his wife to follow her passion project, but hardly ever examine the economic dependency that arrangement creates.
My roommate Sarah recently told me that she stayed in a lackluster relationship for eight extra months because her boyfriend was covering most of the rent and she was saving for grad school. While eating ice cream at midnight, she said, "I feel bad." "But I saved almost $12,000.".
Was Sarah exploiting him? Was he unconsciously "purchasing" her companionship? Were both parties benefiting from the arrangement, even if not explicitly discussed?
The Transparency Revolution.
I do not want to promote sugaring at all. However, I believe we should be honest about what we want and expect.
Last year, I tried an experiment. I began asking directly on first dates: what’s your relationship philosophy right now? The responses are so interesting. Some men were surprisingly honest: “I am looking for friendship with no strings attached.” Others were quite clearly awkward: “Uh… the normal stuff?”
What's "normal" though? You are in a relationship where he pays for dinner but you do the emotional work? In what relationship your unpaid domestic help is not appreciated while his financial help is?
My friend Ava did sugar dating for a short period when in college. Her words were “At least I knew what was expected. As per dating, the expectations are all unspoken till you breach one.”
2. Power Relationships that Need to be Examined proper in today’s world.
Power Dynamics in the Wild.
When I was 24, I dated a guy ten years my senior. While I still had to carve out my career, he was established in his. He paid for most of our dates, assisted with my industry networking, and would occasionally buy me things I wouldn’t afford myself.
Was this a sugar relationship? No. But was there an economic power imbalance? Absolutely. Did we ever discuss it openly? Never.
Instead, I did what sociologists call “relationship work”. I managed his social calendar, was a sounding board, provided emotional support during work crises, and yes, sexual relationship work also. I felt somewhat guilty about all the material benefits I was getting.
The issue was not the exchange, it was our failure to see it and negotiate it.
Reclaiming Power Through Honesty.
This is my take away; naming gives you power.
When we naively pretend that these relationships exist in some magical realm that is untouched by economic realities, it is not romantic. And that naivety often hurts women the most.
My sister ended her five-year relationship last month. She was stunned as we had not heard from her boyfriend since years back. Further, her sister never had a chance to speak to the other party. Her significant other had “taken care of her” financially while she “took care of” their home, social life, and his health. Nobody labeled this relationship sugar dating, but there was indeed an economic exchange -- only unexamined, implicit and ultimately precarious for her.
Power Dynamics in the Wild
When I was 24, I dated a guy ten years my senior. He had an established career while I was still figuring out my professional path. He paid for most of our dates, helped me network in my industry, and occasionally bought me gifts I couldn't afford myself.
Was this a sugar relationship? No. But was there an economic power imbalance? Absolutely. Did we ever discuss it openly? Never.
Instead, I performed what sociologists call "relationship work" – managing his social calendar, being his sounding board, providing emotional support during his work crises, and yes, maintaining a sexual relationship. All while feeling vaguely guilty about the material benefits I received.
The problem wasn't the exchange itself – it was our inability to acknowledge and negotiate it clearly.
Reclaiming Power Through Honesty. It really works
Here's what I've learned: There's power in naming things.
When we pretend relationships exist in some magical realm untouched by economic realities, we're not being romantic – we're being naive. And that naivety often hurts women the most.
Last month, my sister left a five-year relationship and discovered she had almost no savings, no credit history in her name, and a gap in her resume. Her partner had "taken care of her" financially while she "took care of" their home, social life, and his well-being. No one called this arrangement sugar dating, but the economic exchange was real – just implicit, unexamined, and ultimately precarious for her.
3. Contracts for the health of the relationship
The New Relationship Contract
So what's a feminist to do? I’m not saying we should all negotiate explicit contracts before the appetizers. However, I do recommend that we become more comfortable with the economic elements of our relationships.
Questions I now ensure to explore before things get serious.
- How do we see sharing our financial responsibilities?
- What are your thoughts about helping one another?
- If one partner has a much higher income, how do we deal with this?
- What contribution is not valued monetarily and how do we honour it?
These aren't sexy conversations. But you know what's really unsexy? Discovering after two years you have entered an arrangement you never consciously choose the right person!
Beyond Sugar and Spice.
I am not interested in sugar dating, but I find the debate surrounding it interesting. It sheds light on the transactions that take place in every relationship.
When my work buddy says her husband “pays the mortgage so I can do my passion project,” isn’t there an economic exchange there? When my neighbour stays with her partner partly because she could not afford to be a single mother due to child care costs, isn’t that a cost-benefit economic reasoning?
The difference is whether we admit it or not.
Empowerment Through Clarity.
The empowerment doesn't come from pretending that love and money are not linked; the true one comes from it.
Last week, I had a fourth date with someone new. When the check came, instead of the usual dance, I said: “I’d like us to go Dutch – not because I have to, but because economic equality matters to me in a relationship.”
It started an interesting discussion about cash, authority, and wishes. He told me that his ex expected him to pay for everything and his wallet was all that mattered to her. I shared my discomfort with unexplored power dynamics.
It wasn't particularly romantic. But it was honest. Isn’t being honest the foundation of the relationship?
Whatever you choose—dating or some arrangement—do it with full consciousness. People should not fall into the patterns that have been socially engineered by society. They should not accept anything as formed expectations. One must not act as if money and power do not matter in our closest associations.
The most powerful thing is not getting what you want – it’s knowing what you want and picking it deliberately with open eyes.
And that's something no amount of sugar can coat.
Conclusion
Beyond the Sugar and Spice.
I'm not interested in sugar dating, but I'm interested in the relationship itself and how it makes us see the economic commerce that happens in all relationships.
When my co-worker says that because her husband “pays the mortgage she can do her passion project,” isn’t that an economic exchange? When my neighbor stays with her boyfriend, partly because the costs of childcare would break her as a single mom, isn’t that a money calculation?
The difference is simply based on your perspective.
Zoe Winter, is a freelance writer and former dating app addict, lives in Illinois. When she’s not writing or spending time with her platonic soulmates, she’s busy trying to train her chaotic rescue dogs and cats.