The slow fade. How many know what it means? It sounds more like a sport axiom in particular for basketball. Or it could sound like a cultural reference to a haircut. None of the above would be true. The slow fade has happened to many of us over our dating experiences.
In its simplest form the slow fade is when a person in a relationship starts to hear and see less of the other person over time. We’ll call it an extended breakup. Usually the person who is the slow fade is happening to, begins to question themselves and the relationship i.e. what could have been done better, how do I change this, etc. This brief essay will look at the slow fade, Its red flags, how it affects individuals, and how to cope with it, and can you change its direction?
Some proponents in the new digital age of the modern dating world state that the slow fade is simply ghosting, but at an extension to it. In ghosting, as most of us know, it means the person immediately stops contacting you, even going so far as to block you. They want absolutely nothing to do with you. Let’s take ghosting and simply extend it over a period of time. Most people call it and rightfully so, a relationship “based on death by a 1000 cuts”. Some of the main characteristics of the slow fade are the most common and easily seen red flags. For example, you get much less communication be it in the real world or social world. Also, the type of communication you get is quite weak. It’s not the usual quality type of conversation you are used to, and the length of communication has been reduced.
Also, when you finally do see or meet or interact with your partner you notice enthusiasm is way down compared to it used to be. It’s like getting a kiss from your grandmother on your cheek. The lack of enthusiasm, and digital interaction, plus in the real world of not doing things with this person. This of course will be seen in the decrease in the amount of dates. As well, you will notice that many dates or get together, have been recently canceled or postponed to a vague “in the future” type moment.
Of course all this brings about much, much less sexual contact and much less intimacy. Intimacy that can be defined as emotional as well. In addition, one could see that any discussion about where this relationship is going or future plans of this relationship are always answered in a very vague term or directed to another conversation without ever answering the question. All these are red flags that a slow fade is happening to you.
All these red flags leave the person who is in the slow fade in a permanent state of flux that gets continually worse. The anxiety, the dread, the what if’s? Unlike ghosting, which is a permanent and a quick peel off the bandage this is the exact opposite. Most agree it’s worse since there is no precise moment where things are torn apart. It truly is a death of 1,000 cuts.
How to spot the slow fade and get out of it. If you’re able to spot the slow fade in its early process it may save you some early grief, as well as mental health and putting your emotions in a better state. Let’s look at some of the warning signs. One of the most common ways is when the person you are with takes a much longer time to reply to you. This can be a delayed phone call voice message or digital chat. Communications which used to be immediate, quick, or even the same day now have become none of that. This of course shows interest in you has decreased severely - lucky you!
The messages you receive. Before you would receive long messages, funny messages or just messages completely out of the blue asking how your day is going. Now the opposite occurs less frequently, less enthusiasm and much shorter messages. Further, one should now look at the content of these messages. You’ll see they are certainly not the same emotional type of messages before. Nor does it beg the same type of interaction with you, such as with questions or commentary asking for your opinion. In short, not only are they brief, but they are of poor quality.
Another red flag is something what sociologists and proponents call initiation. This is when the person no longer reaches out to you or does in a much less frequent manner. You find yourself continually reaching out to this person - asking questions, making dates, asking how they’re feeling and you get nothing back in return. This is a huge potential red flag. Initiation usually was by the aggressor or at least an equal neutral state, yet now you find yourself as the only one initiating any activity. A big giant red flag of being part of the slow fade process.
As mentioned above, another big red flag is if the other side begins to start canceling plans or get together. Not only are they canceling these plans, they are not making further plans to reschedule the date in the short term, rather making excuses about work or other prior commitments such as family. You are then left in a lurch of when are you going to see this person again? Obviously, if this is frequent, you can certainly call this a big red flag. And again, you being a part of the slow fade routine.
A tricky red flag critics argue is when you have less sexual contact or physical intimacy. Now, some will say this is part of the slow fade, and it definitely is a characteristic of a slow fade. However, it may not signal immediately that you are indeed part of the slow fade. If someone is having a reduction in physical intimacy, there may be a host of reasons for that. Physical, sexual, social or anxiety problems can all be causes of this. As well, possible issues or arguments in the relationships. There could be many reasons other than the slow fade. You don’t want to jump to conclusions here quickly. The action is red flagged, but it might be part of something entirely different than the slow fade.
I would counter that something is equal and even more of a red flag than a lack of sexual intimacy is a lack of emotional attachment or emotional distance. This is where the person slowly and definitely has been keeping their distance from you, both in interaction and emotional bonding. This step may precede the physical intimacy step and could be the much larger red flag that you would need to take notice of. You would have to question this person immediately on this to see if there are any hints of being on the slow fade.
In the end, being a slow fade may be a process you cannot stop. The answer simply may be where you want to minimize the time and not waste your time. Simply take charge and be aware of the situation, as opposed to being unaware. There are many reasons why a person does a slow fade and most will try to understand it and never get an answer. The most important aspect of a slow fade is that you find out about it as quickly as possible. Then you as an individual decide what to do is best for you in this particular context or situation. Good luck!
Written By: Hosh Jarnett