I’m Looking for My Forever friends. While People in world are obsessed with me finding the ONE! the only one!
My Day Begins
While my Instagram was filled with fancy dinners and photoshoots of rings, I was on my couch with my best friend Maya in our fuzzy socks, sharing a pint of cookie dough ice cream, discussing our plans to Portugal for Valentine's Day with her boyfriend Sam. To be more specific, over the past 5 years, I’d guess I’ve gone on roughly two dozen dates that originated from Tinder or Bumble, and each date began with the same familiar sequence of messages. My phone buzzed with her text. “Wassup? Want to hang out?” (We all know what that means), and this time, I felt absolutely no desire to respond.
I told Maya that I don’t wanna date anymore after throwing my phone aside.
Maya looked at me skeptically. Is this due to the Jason situation?
Ah, the Jason disaster. The man who showered me with affection for three months, but I found out that he was simultaneously dating four other women and had a “complicated relationship” with his ex. Classic.
"Not just Jason," I replied. "That's all of it. The swiping, the situations that go nowhere, the exhausting emotional labour… and yet you’ve been my rock for the last ten years, never ghosted me or made me feel unworthy."
So it was at this point, that I realised, somewhere I’ve been made to seek out those of romance that exhaust me but ignore the most fulfilling moments of my life that are my friendships.
The Dating App Burnout Is Real People - I know!
Let’s be real : dating today feels less like an opportunity to find love and more like an unpaid internship at a badly managed company. All those profiles, carefully composed messages, and whether a person is “worth your time?” based on a couple of photos and an emoji-filled bio.
After my third date where the man looked nothing like his profile and spent the next 2 hours talking about cryptocurrency (boring), I found myself at 11 p.m. at Maya’s apartment in pajamas, drinking wine, and crying with laughter over how ridiculous it all was.
I wondered out loud, why am I doing all this? I’ve spent three Friday nights on a rotten date when I could have been here with you instead.
Maya nodded sagely. "You have been brainwashed by society that you need a partner to be complete, even though I’ve seen the worst version of you and I think you are great."
The truth landed like a ton of bricks. Amidst frantically looking for someone who would love me romantically, I had been ignoring the people who loved me completely.
My Female Friendships: The True Love Story of My 20s.
Do any of you remember when Amal was going through her divorce and she drove six hours just to sit with me after my surgery? What about that huge fight Taylor and I had when she ditched our plans? And we talked on the phone for three hours about it, because our friendship was worth putting in the hard yards.
These are the love stories that have shaped my life.
When I lost my job last year when the company was laying people off, it wasn’t a boyfriend who showed up at my door with a bottle of tequila and a bunch of job listings. It was Jessie who stayed up until 3 am with me to help, sent me a new resume, then texted me encouragement before every interview for the next month.
Last summer, while at my cousin’s wedding, it hit me pretty hard about these things. As everyone went “aww” at the bride and groom taking their vows, I almost teared up thinking about how my childhood bestie Rachel who sat next to me, has been my friend for 20 years. Despite all the challenges, drama’s of middle school, college two states away, my parent’s messy divorce , her mother’s cancer scare and thousands more… My friend has been the most supportive of any boyfriends I’ve had, by far.
The Elevator of Life
Breaking Free from what I call the Relationship Going up Escalator.
We often feel pressured to move forward in our relationships dating exclusivity, moving in marriage and probably kids. We get pushed onto what the relationship experts call the ‘relationship escalator. However, what if there are other equally valid paths?
My landlord raised my rent significantly last month, so I decided to get an apartment with my friend Leila. We have known each other for six years, we are entirely similar in cleanliness and social behaviors and we actually like each other. It felt more organic than moving in with any boyfriend I’d ever had.
As we put IKEA furniture together in our new living-room, Leila laughed and said, “People keep asking if we’re worried about ruining our friendship.’ ” " As if romantic relationships are more stable than friendships! My longest relationship lasted two years. We’re solid for six.
She had a point. The stats are there — divorce rate is around 40-50% and the average romantic relationship lasts less than three years. Definitely not an inspiring place to put your future happiness!
The Practical Benefits of My Friend-Centered Life.
Focusing on friendships provides surprisingly useful benefits too.
When I toyed with the idea of accepting that job offer in Seattle last spring, it wasn’t a partner holding me back. Five different friends offered balanced perspectives as I weighed the pros and cons of the job offer, without the added complications that come with a partner.
My friends have become my own board of directors, each offering specialised advice and assistance for different areas of my life. Kevin helps me out with any issues I have with money, Priya shares advice from her experience in my industry, and Alex is my go-to for collabs.
As perspectives vary, it is this diversity alone that matters to people. If you rely solely on a romantic partner for all your emotional needs, you are limited to that person’s perspective. The different perspectives provided to me by my friends have made me smarter, kinder, and tougher.
Building My Chosen Family For the Near Future.
One of the biggest shifts in my thinking, by far, is that I can build a community of care, rather than waiting for a partner to fulfill me.
After my grandmother died last year, I spent a week full of grief running around doing things before her funeral. My memories aren't about the pain, it's my friends' actions. I always had someone to deal with the groceries or handle the calls I didn’t want to pick up, or sit in silence.
Maya was on my couch for three nights running so I wouldn’t be alone. Taylor took charge of communicating with the extended family. Jessie was the one to set up the displays for the service.
This web of support wasn't a happy accident. So many people offered their support when I needed it. It wasn’t just a happy accident. It happened because I consciously made those connections over the years. And I show up for the people I love. I realize that I had created something as powerful as family, though not through blood or marriage. It was empowering to realize my choices and care cultivated that third place.
Love Reimagined in the 21st or 22nd Century?
Don't get me wrong—I'm not swearing off romance forever. When it’s mutual and healthy, romantic love is uniquely beautiful. I don't see it as, you know, the prize at the end of life’s game—the relationship that’s going to somehow matter more than all the others.
Now, I realize if love can happen between friends, then it finally is friendship. The late-night conversations about our deepest fears. The inside jokes that evolve over decades. When you have seen someone grow and change, you share a silent understanding with them.
Maya and I were hiking last weekend when she suddenly said: “You know, you’re the most significant adult relationship I have – in a lot of ways.” I stopped in my tracks, surprisingly moved. "I feel the same way.". She continued that it's weird there is no ceremony to mark that. There’s no way to stand in front of all our friends and put up an object and say, “This matters to me.”
Maybe there should be. Perhaps we need some new customs to recognize the friendships that sustain us—platonic love is just as real as romantic love and is just as worthy of celebration.
Final Thoughts
For now, I’ll be here, busy creating a life where my multiple loves have relevance, a life where I’ve chosen to prioritize those who are there for me over those who are not.
What if Mr. Right happens to come along? That's lovely. But he must understand that my besties have permanent, fixed spots in my heart.
They were there first, after all. And if history is any guide, they will still be here long after the credits roll on any rom-com I may temporarily star in.
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Zoe Winter, is a freelance writer and former dating app addict, lives in Illinois. When she’s not writing or spending time with her platonic soulmates, she’s busy trying to train her chaotic rescue dogs and cats.